Monte Cristo

I've Moved

2010-06-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

This blog in its entirety can now be found at mymontecristo.wordpress.com

Thanks for reading

Embracing Me, Myself, and the Crazy

2010-05-17T15:25:00.000-07:00

Mental stability still eludes me, though I have tried with many efforts to secure my psychological well being. Perhaps I must conform to the idea that my moderate insanity is acceptable, embracing a degree of madness with open arms. Rather than try to stave off the effects of continued ill thoughts toward myself, harnessing my feelings might produce a certain amount of profitability that could afford me monetary rewards for my strife. At the very least I will have attempted a fresh approach, rejecting traditional and wearisome techniques in favor for shamelessly seeking to benefit from my own misfortune. And why would I not pursue such a venture? After all, it is my hardship and I alone have the power to diminish it—yet I will not release myself from obsessive captivity, languishing endlessly in a pathetic sea of despair.

How to proceed in this scheme is a bit indefinable, as I quickly recognize the most obvious question: from what perspective is my story interesting? What characters drive the motivation for conflict and climax? How do I relate the various disjointed events and what will comprise the resolve? Simply pondering these concerns already has my head spinning and I am sufficiently bored with the impending task. Still my pen seems cathartic in a way, allowing me to rake my stick through the sands of the Zen stone garden, creating meaningless patterns that somehow calm my eruptive soul. If only one could flip a switch to turn on and off such passion and fervor, I would probably not be writing any of this. The exhausting deluge of depression I keep spewing is enough to drive even the sanest person to lunacy. My evidential weakness surfaces immediately when discussing any of this with friends, and their contempt for my ongoing choice to walk wounded is appropriate to say the least.

Back to the story. For some cursed reason, I am unable (or unwilling) to let things go. When I am slighted or treated unfairly, it is almost impossible for me to shed my concern for what others think. Lovers, who once held complete attention of my heart, have an especially stinging, long lasting impact on my self esteem, hope in the future and general ability to move on with my life. Everything presented here so far has happened to millions of others; I am far from unique in my perceived plight. Yet I am constantly taken by emotional surprise, illuminating my curiously infinite naivety. Why are some people able to forget others in an instant? How can one so easily forget his experiences with another? Are people really capable of being so cruel? These questions and more cloud the corners of my mind, identifying my own ignorance in light of present and historical social reality. What I casually and quite incorrectly classify as a dignified utopianism is actually nothing more than voluntary stupidity.

I endeavor to avoid being too harsh on myself, but there are simply too many faults to ignore. Though my defects have not induced within me a devious or unlawful nature, my persistent acquiescence to my belief in the universal human connection has recurrently blocked my path on the journey of life. Thinking that all beings desire to establish and preserve a healthy connection with others, I foolishly entangle myself in relationships that will yield only heartache. Though I have never preferred logic when exploring my associations, perhaps Wilde was correct in suggesting that a modest amount of science would greatly improve the chances for relationship success. Disregarding tell tale signs during a blossoming liaison of any sort is most harmful, and in my experience almost always ends in calamity. Reluctantly, I admit the difficulty in heeding my own wisdom, as I much favor the unpredictably ruinous possibilities of such folly. When answering why this is so, one must immediately abandon reason and, yet again, swim in the sea of chaos.

Refusing to let go of love lost has inhibited my efforts to become a whole, healthy single person. Always hoping for companionship, I have never allowed myself to be comfortable existing independently. I have spent a lifetime trying to surround myself with others, even at the expense of being among bad company. As a child I remember relentlessly searching for friendship, hoping to quell my needs of affection and external validation. Until recently, I have never lived alone in my adult life, always replacing lost roommates with others, securing the bedrooms of my home with living, breathing persons to make me feel secure. It is safe to say that I still possess this mission, yearning for others to be significant and present parts of my life. Failed love, then, is the pebble I cannot pluck from my shoe. As gruesome as it sounds, coping with the passing of a loved one has proven easier than dealing with my internal dilemma. Surely accepting the reality of my codependent tendencies has been somewhat humiliating, but identifying the heart of this behavior is a necessary venture.

~ ~ ~

Profiting from this jar of jumbled thoughts is now a distant memory, as recent travels to the Northeast have once again altered my perspective. Upon arriving home, people immediately noted my apparent “refreshed” appearance, citing a certain “glow” about me. Skeptical at first about the physical evidence of my rejuvenation, I began to realize that something within me had indeed changed—a turning point that occurred thousands of miles from home. Being away from regular life allowed me see the world in a new light, glimpsing the people around me with fresh eyes, free from the deep skepticism that had slowly enveloped me over the past few months. Not to say that I was instantly cured of all torment, but there was an unmistakable change in my attitude, liberating me to think positively and clearly about the future. Visiting New York has frequently coincided with major events in my life, but this latest holiday forced me to be myself, by myself, and get up and go. Walking among millions of businessmen, tradesmen, merchants, teachers, students, immigrants, and artists showed me that everyday people deal with everyday problems one step at a time, moving one foot forward then the next. Stepping onto the subway, the masses move great distances to meet the needs of others, securing their own well being while serving a greater purpose in the community... Waxing nostalgic about the ebb and flow of the great city is not my purpose here; that enterprise will be saved for another entry.

For the first time in memory, I can honestly say that I am comfortable with who I am, a single man. There are many roads before me, and many good things to come. Though hard times will still ensue, the power of knowing my own self worth is more than enough to move forward, pressing on to be something greater. Friendships and relationships are still very important, but they will not rule my life, dictating whether I am up or down. Part of being human is espousing healthy associations with other people, and gradually I am learning how to balance emotional attachment when establishing and maintaining relationships. A work in progress, I now have hope that I can function as a healthy individual, continually aiming to better myself while reaching out to countless others whom I am grateful to have in my life.

Connection (an attempt)

2010-04-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

I began this piece the other day but never finished. My mind was cloudy and I could not quite form what I was trying to say. I have decided to abandon the approach, but have nevertheless posted it in case I get a response that inspires me to pick it up again...

Human intuition drives us to connect with other beings, moments and sensations, triggering the realization that our existence is not solitary. It is this powerful realization that continually motivates us to move beyond our limitations, seeking comfort in knowing that we create ripples; our actions produce inarguable outcomes that prove our perceptibleness. Sinking softly in cool water, feeling the tiniest bubbles tickle your face as they seek their higher destination. Nature interacts with your body in this blissful moment, imparting a heightened sense of awareness. Connection happens, and the moment passes, but the effects are forever imprinted on your being.

Recently I have developed a somewhat cruel addiction to ascending the peak of a mountain at a pace that intimidates even me. What began as an adventurous respite from business became a routine discipline that has enveloped any former wonder for the natural environment. Rock trails became a staircase and the surrounding scenery turned into background noise. Other hikers, then, transformed into curious passersby, not dissimilar to tumbleweeds brushing across my path. Life offered me a wondrous chance to connect with a most visceral ambiance but somehow my eyes glazed into fogginess, rejecting the world in favor of meaningless ritual. Ignoring countless opportunities to interact amidst such a beautiful setting, I now seek the very possibilities I have squandered.

Every day we are placed in situations that afford us the chance to be a part of something other than ourselves. Our commitment to reaching out defines the probabilities of the results. Society seems to constantly reinforce that we must take care of ourselves and indulge our own needs and desires in order to live happy lives. While this notion might lead one to become more outwardly healthy, it discards the efficacy of a deeper, more spiritual health. Religion aside, this spirituality involves allowing oneself to be a part of a greater community, to bask in loving arms of nature and to experience the emotions of special times.

Human Care

2010-03-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

Amidst several days of conversational topics such as healthcare, human rights, environmental responsibility and financial stability, it is easy to see that one common theme surrounds each of the concerns. Love is that which ties them together. Love is required to put each into practice. People tend to cling to one issue over others, but they fail to see that a common love of life itself is necessary in order to maintain balanced objectivity when considering a particular issue--thereby creating a natural conduit in which to perpetuate the plight of a certain cause. Put simply, if all people embraced a true love of life, all peoples would embrace a mission to achieve a common purpose.

Similar to the above societal strife, the relationship between two lovers presents a dichotomy as to what is considered love. Take a person who finds herself loving her partner with an unconditional love that is not returned in the manner she had expected. Confused and hurt, an attempt to express her emotions is met with an even colder indifference that only compounds the situation. Although sometimes this scenario plainly reveals a severely emotionally mismatched couple, it is more likely that they simply do not understand how to love each other. Partners who have learned how to love each other comprehend that listening, acknowledging, humility and sacrifice are essential to providing a symmetry of mutual care.

Avoiding the pitfall of taking a political position, it is safe to say that love could really solve many of the issues on both sides of the fence. Long have people abandoned coming together to find commonality in favor of polarizing their stances. Perhaps if this message of love could touch their hearts and minds, those divided by such chasms might see that they are not so different. Dreaming of this world may seem naively utopian, especially considering the fiercely real caveats of present day contentions; however, although technology and fashion have changed, there is nothing new under the sun and it would be diminishing to assume that mankind could not overcome his pride, welcoming unconditional love.

For You

2010-03-11T20:15:00.000-07:00

These words came to me for my dear friend whose eyes are forever searching for the future with such hope and certainty, yet cloud illusions often get in the way...

Dear one, your heart is bigger than most, and your life reminds the rest of us that we are indeed alive. Your hope is infectious and your sincerity is breathtaking. These are your strengths, and combined they form the strongest love possible--that which you may not realize but is nevertheless ever present. You have know for a long time that your life is a moving jazz piece, accompanied by a full orchestra. Sometimes you want to close the score, averting your eyes from the score because parts of the composition are so emotionally wrecking. Though understandable and quite reasonable, you the conductor must finish the work, as those around you cannot play their part without your vulnerable guiding hand.

Words cannot describe the affection I feel for you. Your soul has touched mine, saved mine from depths so dark I could not even see my thoughts. That is a gift that goes beyond what anyone else can offer, and you alone graciously offered it freely and lovingly. Giving is comfortable for you, and in the same way you must let others give to you. Many are not suited to such an opportunity, as they have proven time and again that their ways are blinded by selfishness and stupidity. Do not be forever troubled by this, for it is but a glimpse of the possibilities ahead. This world is big and great hearts are found daily by those who seek them. You have great heart my friend, and you will reach great heights in all you do. Mostly, you will be loved.

Finally, please do not allow yourself to be spoiled by the sourness of bad experiences and lousy people, for your simple genuine spirit outshines all such nonsense. Instead, be encouraged that one day these steps in training will be lifted and you will come into your own--you will come alive like a great wind upon the sea. Trust in friendship, dear one, allowing yourself to be nourished through the greatest fellowship man has to offer. Know that your growth occurs alongside another's, that we are in this together until the end. My desire is for you to be joyful, realizing the beauty that surrounds you and emanates from your being. Hold yourself in high regard, for you are a rock to many and your strength and compassion uplift us all. Cling to hope as you always have, and the path will eventually lead you home.

Forever affectionately yours,

Jack

When the Rain Comes

2010-02-22T12:23:00.001-07:00

Having composed such heavy material for the past several posts, I thought it was time to present a lighter fare for awhile. So let’s talk about the weather. What a comfortable topic, especially because it can diffuse almost any awkward social situation. In this instance, I am thinking about the rain that has graced the desert over the past few days. For many the drippy weather was the source of inconvenience and in some cases it thwarted plans. I however am always drawn into dreamy landscapes once the skies begin to swell. Held captive to childlike imagination, my heart soars amidst the dramatic display of darkening clouds and ensuing rainfall.

As scenes from Jurassic Park and Lord of the Rings come flooding in, my ridiculous obsession with turning rain into romance becomes increasingly evident. I think about taking a drive into the misty mountains or ascending a peak rising from a dark green forest. At the same time my couch beckons and I am tempted to spend a day reading an adventure while listening to Enya. These thoughts and feelings are as tangible to the senses as the smell of rain. The brief respite of sunlight creates warmness in my soul, an inspiration that exceeds all others. Swept away into cool bliss, I soak up songs sung by the forces of nature colliding to ignite their heavenly exchanges.

Writing about my youthful affinity for something as simplistic as grey skies and precipitation reminds me that I am not above appearing somewhat cloying. Being overly sentimental is the story of my life, and I see no change in my future in that regard (this is where I would insert one of those cheesy smiley punctuations made from a colon and a parenthesis). It is life’s simplicities though, that tend to elicit such incredible excitement, reminding us of what it means to be alive and take in our surroundings. So when the rain comes, it is likely that I will be dreaming off into the distance somewhere with my “head in the clouds,” brooding in the spiritual retreat that reminds me I am alive.

When I Grow Up, I Don't Want to Be an Idiot

2010-02-19T09:58:00.001-07:00

The heart is a tricky thing. I wonder what it was that originally caused mankind to associate love and emotion with a bodily organ that simply moves blood. Perhaps it was the life force mentality that ultimately led man to believe that his heart was the center of his feelings while the brain reasoned in logic. Unfortunately, the reality is much less romantic and in order to love one must successfully break the wild stallion that is his mind and bridle his feelings to move him in a healthy and positive direction.

My personal embarrassment is that I let myself fall for someone whose maturity level is that of a petulant child. Repeatedly stomping on my feelings and breaking my heart, he seems to show no semblance of concern for my dignity. Curiously, I am perpetually surprised by his actions or lack thereof, yet I know he is incapable of communicating with me. Frustrated for too long with his juvenile antics, I have to move on and stop caring about someone who could give a shit about me. It hurts and my disposition is one that can’t help but care—BUT, it is over and I need to get over it.

Part of moving on requires a reorganization of one’s life. In my situation, it means that I can’t go on looking for love in all the wrong places. Shopping for projects that need fixing is a bad habit, and I deserve a whole hell of a lot more. The source of my intrinsic lack of self respect remains a mystery, but I know how to change my actions. Life is too short to acquiesce to a miserable existence simply to be in the company of another. I want love. I want the love of another. I want commitment and lifelong partnership. So I must look upward to find my match. Instead of plucking from the mediocre, I want someone who aspires to live! Someone thoughtful, kind, understanding, caring, charming, doting, and above all, loving. In the same way he must have a sense of humor, be strong and smart and persevering. Those are the qualities I desire, and one who possesses even a few of them is more suitable than my recently ended relationship.

So I move forward. For real this time, I promise. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself (as I’m thinking that I keep writing about this and discussing my frustrations with friends). But I have to keep saying it, believing it, and one day perhaps I’ll be living it without effort. For now I can cling to my anger as a crutch, hold my frustration as a constant reminder of why I need to make better decisions. Tomorrow, though, I hope my motivation for treating myself better will come from self respect.

Endings and Beginnings

2010-02-01T15:38:00.000-07:00

Last week my life came to a screeching halt--my relationship ended almost as swiftly as it began. When the hammer came crashing down, I took to strength at first, confident in the knowledge that better days would come. Four days into my new reality, I descended quickly to the dark places of hopelessness and depression. Why I felt the pangs of failure almost a week later I do not know, but my mind became swollen with millions of thoughts and emotions and my physical state rendered powerless. Since then, taking a step requires the greatest of effort, and aftershocks of a broken heart still linger.

Lightheaded and swirly, my mind languished in the fears brought on by loneliness and feelings of desertion. As I paced my newly empty home, I loathed the notion of ever returning to bed, and the insomnia set in. Along with the ability to sleep my appetite diminished. Slowly I consumed less and less until I could not remember having anything to eat in a day. Pills and libations failed on all accounts to quell the raging storm within me. In fact it is safe to say that my experience was multiplied tenfold by these factors, and regaining perfect sobriety became the highest priority. Lost to the hell of my emotions and fearsome intensity, I flailed about until I was left lifelessly numb.

As all storms do, eventually the torrents ceased and sun broke through the thick black clouds of despair. Realizing that I gained from my love lost, I slowly began applying myself to normal daily routines--even adding a few that had been neglected for months. Perceiving the loss an opportunity has not fully come to fruition as of yet, but most assuredly I have endeavored to begin the healing process and mend my heart. Thinking of what I want in life and what I want to make of myself, I have begun pondering what I want in a future partner, purposing to wait patiently for the right match and avoiding the pitfalls of futilely attempting to make an apple out of an orange.

Love is truly a journey that is often not perfected the first time on the path. Life always moves on and no matter how bad it seems, time will make everything better. Though this truth still lies just out of my grasp, hope in its coming will carry me through. My love is intense and has always been so; my honesty and openness can be daunting but rather than try to change myself I will wait for the one who appreciates those qualities. Love will return to me one day, and when it does I will be ready for it.

Future Americana

2010-01-22T15:14:00.000-07:00

Often I dream of what this country could become, loving her potential and loathing her possible decline. When faced with the many problems and concerns that surround Americans today, it is easy to despair and resign oneself to the inevitable reality of coming events. There is another approach, however, in putting faith in a system that has proved itself worthy time and again, continually outshining the tired ways of the old world. More than two hundred years ago, men of different religions, backgrounds and political persuasions sat down to discuss the viability of a unified nation, one that would serve to benefit their descendents. Not for glory or to make a name, these founding fathers simply wished to induce a way of life that would literally benefit all.

It is known that these men were not in full agreement, as some had to sit out of the final vote for independence in order to preserve the untainted historical record of a unanimous vote to seperate from England. Still, the fact that the dissidents desired the good of the many versus the one shows a certain nobleness and honor in working through disagreement. History also reveals that the sin of slavery could not be erased from America before she began, though the opposition fought hard to write it out of existence. Even this horrible thing, which the founding fathers said would later divide the nation unto war, did not stop agreement from moving forward.

Many years and countless tears were spent in trying to bring equality to all peoples of America, and the work continues to this day. The future of this country poses endless possibilities, presenting a nation that might endeavor to enact true freedom and equality across the diverse spectrum of humanity. It is not difficult to imagine a state that offers the benefits of marriage to all who choose to partake. In the same way it is not impossible to envisage protecting the life of all humans, regardless of intelligence, physical development, or the circumstances of their conception. Pointed rhetoric has seemingly ended the possibility of opposing sides working together to come to reasonable agreements that might strengthen all. Remembrance, though, of our ancestors before us, inspires the high road--the path that transcends egos and puts first the dignity and respect of all mankind. These things are possible, and time has afforded this nation much opportunity for continued growth, a deeper sense of meaning and purpose, and the ability to love.

Passing Time

2009-08-26T09:13:00.002-07:00

Time is a peculiar thing, at times fluttering about like a happy bird then suddenly surging like a ferocious avalanche. It creeps upon us when we are looking the other way. Its shadowy face lurks about in the darkest corners of our beings, rearing its head when we must answer its calling. Our years are marked by historical moments, societal icons and personal milestones. Identifying ourselves by the happenings in our lives, it becomes difficult to feel less whole when these things that have been a part of us begin to disappear.

Loved ones, leaders, the famous and infamous alike all pass away one by one, leaving us to a world without them--a world that seems less familiar and lacking. We are left wondering what to do and where to go after familiarity has vanished, aimlessly looking to someone, somewhere for some semblance of support and direction. Fear is an exaggeration of what we feel; it is more of a nothingness, an emptiness that plagues our hearts indescribably. Not all fall prey to the reality of new surroundings, however, as many stiffen their upper lip in upward mobility ever enduring for God, country and family. To each his own.

Perhaps purging one's memory of the past is a more effective way to cope with the future. Then again, the realness of the present can be so overwhelming that it produces compelling thought, a resolve that quells even the cruelest of storms. Poets, then, are left with the task of fending off the demons of passing time, ever present amidst the gaze of a ticking clock. The world changes, and those within it are susceptible to the icy chill of death. Still, life endures and man presses onward to the unknown, ever pursuing and indefinable goal. It is in this end, ironically, where eternal peace dwells.

Creature of Love

2009-07-12T23:17:00.003-07:00

Eyes. Once again, the most compelling piece of God's creation have taken my soul captive. Piercing through my toughest skin, they gaze upon even my most naked being, knowing me, engulfing me, understanding me. Just when I think it impossible to be enraptured by such an entity, I am whisked away into bliss; or as I know it, foreverness among the deepest of spirits.

My brokenness is gracefully mended amidst the throngs of passion while the essence of my being is carefully mended back together. A patchwork of life's stories are once again pieced together in an effort to make sense of chaos. Accomplishment, then, is found in the pleased eye of the beholder as he studies his subject of love, lavishing his love upon his subject.

In between the lines is where I have been hiding. I did not go unnoticed, though, and I was brought out of the cold. Warmth of togetherness and true fellowship surrounded me, thawing my frigid bones, transforming me into the creature from whence I came. My purpose rediscovered, my being presses onward toward a prize of unmeasurable peace.

Insanity

2009-07-06T09:29:00.005-07:00

Lately I cannot seem to put into words the insanity, the crazy that enraptures my mind. Like a stream flowing nowhere, currents twist and turn, churning thoughts into gibberish. Synapses that once effectively carried impulses to their logical destination. Now these pathways are full of holes, randomly sending pieces of my life spiralling into the abyss. This is the disconnect that I have feared the most; it is happening and I cannot fathom stopping it.

When the body shuts down, I have always pondered the extenuating circumstances that could have contributed to the decline. In my own case, I wonder what dreadful experience or trauma triggered my emotional lapse. Witnessing first hand a rapid physical descent, I know that the body followed the mind, aimlessly led astray by unknown demons. I live in a dream, a perilous and infinite labyrinth that desecrates the goodness of life. How does it end?

Rebuilding is easier said than done. Once your body has washed up on the shore, broken, battered and alone, it is difficult to imagine constructing a new home. Forgetting the tools you once used, the passions you once enjoyed, it becomes taxing to contemplate moving, much less actually doing so. There are options that seem easier, pathways that require no thought or emotion. These, however, should not, cannot, are not viable solutions. I wait.

Her Love

2009-06-30T08:53:00.004-07:00

My heart was healed today. Once again discovering unending love, my soul was reassured of its life. A mother's love, locked tightly in a fairy tale treasure chest, was rejoined with my being. This safe box did not hide her love; rather it preserved it to the fullest, extending it past unfathomable circumstances. Though periods of despair ensued, prevailing love conquered all, gleaming beyond the drudgery of life. My mother is indeed an anchor of love, and my affection for her remains undiminished. Would that I might show such compassion amidst life’s uncertainties, that I might rejoice for the healing in my house.

Candle On the Water

2009-06-10T11:13:00.003-07:00

Life, sometimes, is likened to a dimly lit lantern, hanging by a rusty handle from the bow of a ship, creaking and cranking in the wind above the bustling seas below. Peering through foggy stained glass, one knows that a flame exists within, though inclement weather bars clarity. Piercing through the darkness, this light reminds us we are indeed alive, although the details of our journey can become quite blurred. Alas, this thin thread of comfort, our dangling lantern, rattles the notion that we yet breathe, steadily taking in life while facing even the deadliest of rows.

Then, when finally we find peace in our vitality, we glimpse a beacon in the distance, not dissimilar from our own. This candle on the water fills us with intoxicating joy in knowing that we are not alone. Our odyssey is our own yet the paths are many, flush with kindred wanderers seeking unknown destinations. Meaningful opportunity, then, is bestowed upon us when we encounter one whose glimmer of hope has gone out. Rekindling the fire upon his torch, we embolden him to resume his adventure with vigor, imparting courage drawn from the fellowship of many travelers to pursue the unending course. Life itself.

A (Newer) Beginning

2009-03-30T11:04:00.002-07:00

Many of us long for it, yet so rarely are we afforded the opportunity to explore new worlds. We become somewhat stale under the aegis of our roots, longing to be reborn in an unknown place. This transformation must take place in order for us to make peace with ourselves, truly forgive ourselves, heal ourselves, and care for ourselves.

Providence has bestowed upon me the chance to embrace a new skin. I have learned much this past year; I have made many mistakes yet I have accomplished several successes. These experiences make up who I am. Good and bad, I am composed of yin and yang, one of the oldest concepts surviving. My aim is to use this knowledge to my advantage and as I have previously stated, to get through this life with some semblance of dignity. I am free now.

Free to move on and traverse the road less traveled. I intend to do so fully remembering where I came from while resisting the urge to look back in wont to the past.

Indeed

2009-03-03T19:40:00.002-07:00

The end.

A cross dividing culture

2008-12-10T00:51:00.000-07:00

For many months now I have pondered the significance of the cross in modern society. From what I have gathered, it currently presents a universally recognized symbol indicative of a social, political or fashion statement. No longer does the sign elicit images of the supernal; rather, heathens and Christians alike have mucked up the message of Christ, each pontificating on the assumption that their noble task serves the betterment of humanity. Heathens have declared that God is dead. Emergent groups avoid religiosity to the point that they resemble a glorified twelve step program. Traditional churches are closing their doors, unable to generate the crowds they once boasted. Faith has become an artistic line from a lyric and piety is now a forgotten term of the dead languages. Pessimistic in verbiage, truth is sometimes hard to swallow.

Arguing out of fear of failure, pious masses would eagerly contend with my “spiritual blindness” and “unconscious obstructions;” however, their refusal to recognize their own responsibility in the circumstances of this world is the very obstacle preventing them from regaining their strength. Attempting to relate to “modern” society, the Church has created a subculture, or parallel culture, desperately yet unsuccessfully endeavoring to fit in among twenty-first-century progressiveness. Consequently, the product of this inefficacious undertaking amounts to nothing less than a witless gathering of unsubstantiated rhetoricians. Whether one wraps the Gospel in a pin-stripped suit or ripped jeans and a v-neck, intelligent people have come to realize that their personal well-being rests not within the divisiveness of the Church, but rather their own capable hands.

Regardless of fairness, regardless of what is right and wrong, the Church no longer enjoys home court advantage. If its advocates ever wish to see revival they must first embrace the honest certitudes of ailing faithful communities. Fearful of their willful, prideful ignorance, I doubt that such a phenomenon will occur in my lifetime. Needless to say, I am a lover of the Ecclesial Community, and I should like to see it succeed. Change is necessary, though, and I anticipate the day when I can once again think fondly of that which Providence has consecrated upon this earth.

Oh what an angel, Oh what a show

2008-12-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

Like an angel descending from the clouds, she quickened our hearts into ecstasy, banishing all doubts that bliss would not last forever. Her voice plucked us from our seats, raising us to pedestals of great heights. Consumed with wonder, we took in her graceful magnificence. Say what you will, she is a goddess of splendid proportions.

Often my aversion to my first love, music, is ignited by mediocrity of the masses. Not this night. Skepticism was erased and cynicism eradicated. My spirit fluttered as perfection was flawlessly executed before my very eyes. One does not often experience such a display, but a few of us were fortunate to behold gloriousness, a sharper image of beauty. Surely this encounter will go with me all the days of my life.

Let It Snow

2008-11-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

There is nothing worse than hopping in your car around noon in late November only to find that the weather is pushing ninety degrees fahrenheit. On a day when one wishes to wear a delightful peacoat he is slapped in the face by an unforgiving sun which aims to perpetuate hell year round. What miracle am I hoping for this Christmas? That’s right, snow!

I have lived in the desert for my entire life, and I have seen snow here several times. This could be my year. I need it this Christmas. I so want the soft touch of life giving snowflakes upon my face, kissing my soul. Standing in the middle of a barren wasteland, I will lift my arms in expectation, hoping for the impossible.

Please dear God let there be snow! I will wait in anticipation, looking for the signs of the coming storm. May the crisp chills of ever glowing flakes sweep me away into a wintery bliss. I am there now.

Christmas Time Is Here

2008-11-09T19:51:00.000-07:00

I am officially announcing the arrival of the Christmas Season. Much to the sorrow of Thanksgiving fanatics, I am unequivocally and unapologetically proclaiming good tidings and cheer. Once again, winter is almost upon us, begging us to sink into a comfy chair with a good book and some hot spiced cider near a crackling fire. With my housecoat and slippers I will eagerly embrace the holidays, sipping up every ounce of festive goodness until I am as plump as Old Saint Nick.

Decked out malls with boughs of holly inspire shoppers as they bustle by. Smells so familiar fill the air as people ask themselves, “what the hell is a sugarplum?” Carols are playing, kids are everywhere and a woman places antlers on her poodle riding in her purse. Indeed this is a wondrous time!

Years ago I began playing Christmas music in October, which was my first clue that something was dreadfully wrong with me. Then I began to ponder my love for singing songs about snowy white Christmases, as I have always lived in a desert lacking in snow due to global warming (note the sarcasm). Surely my curious obsession with this holiday is a psychosis which I should probably address in therapy. Until then I remain like that boy star struck with wonder, staring endlessly into the storefront window at the beautiful red bike.

Essential picks this year in Christmas music? The albums are as follows in no particular order (anything that makes it on this list has my attention, which of course is a great honor):

Enya - And Winter Came

Sarah McLachlan - Wintersong

Josh Groban - Noel

Brian McKnight - I’ll Be Home For Christmas

Jewel - Joy: A Holiday Collection

Michael Buble - Let It Snow

Harry Connick Jr. - When My Heart Finds Christmas

Celine Dion - These Are Special Times

Amy Grant - The Christmas Collection

Maria Carey - Merry Christmas (Still the highest ranking Christmas album of all time in my book)

Something Fun

2008-11-07T19:53:00.000-07:00

Recently I have decided to take this blog in another direction (again). Several readers have requested that I integrate more of my daily wit into my blogging, discarding some of my more serious tones. Naturally I have acquiesced, so for the undeterminable future Monte Cristo readers can expect something different, perhaps something outrageous--and what the hell, let’s throw in some “change” and “hope” and kumbaya--everybody’s doing it, yes we can!

Word has it Oprah is quitting in 2011... Hmmm, could this be her move to position herself as BO’s vice prez in the next election? God knows that old guy won’t stick around, he was just window dressing and will end up being a pain in the ass. Anywho BOOW 2012!

Politics departed; examIning within

2008-10-28T19:54:00.000-07:00

My passion for politics was relit in this election cycle. I do not presume to know why this occurred, but nonetheless it is what happened and that is that. Fortunately, for me and many of my friends, the insanity of political discussion has ceased from my end. In a flash, like a lit match encountering water, the inner flame driving my zeal for politics was extinguished. The torment is over, at least for now. I have made peace with whatever transpires on November 4; it has been ordained by God and destiny cannot be altered. From my lips now passes the last of my political engagements and I move quickly onto newer and even older subjects.

I read somewhere today that “religion is dumb; Jesus is great.” As clever as that phrase may sound (especially to the evangelical right), it is in fact sophomoric in its very nature. While the church inevitably crumbles when being tested at any given time in its history, it is the religion, the practice of faith which stands the test of time. Relationship with Christ has merit, but in a relationship actions must occur and affection must be practiced. To hold in one’s heart the satisfaction of simply knowing someone is at best trivial in a meaningless, loveless relationship.

I say these words because I find myself stuck in limbo, a purgatory where I am not accepted by the church nor am I welcomed my heathens. My sexuality is a product of misguided deceit according to the church. In contrast, my faith and conservatism are a result of my self hatred and hypocrisy according to the liberal world. Nowhere can I find refuge for my lonely soul. Damned by the ordinary world (and I say that with the greatest of sarcasm), I am left to my own devices to guide myself through this turbulent life.

Therefore it is my religion, the practice of faith, making the sign of the cross that gives me strength and reminds me of who I am and always will be. My creator loves me and I him, and it is important to me that I outwardly portray this. My lifestyle directly contradicts religious theology, which my detractors cite in proclaiming the hypocrisy of my beliefs regarding action oriented relationships. What they fail to acknowledge is that mine is an affair which shows on the outside while many evangelicals wrestle inner afflictions by which they will never be measured. Additionally, it is one piece of my life which is in question. My faith is steadfast and my outward profession of faith remains evident. Those surrounding me know I love God and they can see my affection for him. Though all of us fail biblically, it is one side calling the other out in an clash which only drives the outcast further from the brethren.

Never have I claimed to be “right” in God’s eyes. Never have I claimed that his Gospel is wrong. What I expect from people is to show me the same respect I afford them. God will be my judge and so be it. In the meantime I have no intention of ditching my religion. As much as it stuns the evangelical right, I will continue to profess my faith while I live in the manner I have chosen.

That being said, I am actually quite well. I have a positive outlook on life and I am generally satisfied with my progress academically, professionally, emotionally and spiritually. I have found a wonderful companion with whom I share my life daily. My friends are supportive and loving, and we share glorious times together. Waking up knowing that I am my honest and true self every day provides me with hope to embrace the future. My spirits are high and my wonder ever flowing. Lifting a glass and hoping for the best, I move onward.

Myths of Global Warming hosed off

2008-10-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

Lorne Gunter has written an excellent piece, noting that in early September 2008 reports of warming temperatures around the globe began to fizzle out, as glaciers began increasing in size as cooler climates swept in. Consistent patterns over the last several years are suggesting that a cooling phase has set in globally. Thirty years of a so called “warming trend” bred an invincible religion; a crusade of pandemonium targeting all dissenters with baseless vitriol and ruinous slander. Well renown scientists were instantly cast aside for questioning the infallibility of the religious left. Merely the fact that prior to 1860, only inferences can be made regarding worldwide temperatures beckons scientific questioning as to the validity of conjectured theories of global warming.

According to the very Darwinists that spearhead the campaign offering green salvation, the earth is four and a half billion years old. Statistically speaking, there is no statistic available to offer any credible information concerning historical global climates, considering that researchers have inferred temperature patterns for only .000000003 percent of all possible years, which by scientific standards means we don’t have a clue. In fact, samples of the earth’s crust indicate that temperatures were much hotter one thousand years ago during the medieval warm period. Supposedly rational scholars are skeptical when considering biblical events yet they accept without doubt hypotheses which are inherently unprovable. Global warming seems only to be occurring within the minds of those who are pushing it on a helpless public, as the hot air which fills the heads of so called environmentalists is only getting hotter.

One question: will taxpayer money which has been spent on this farce be returned to the citizens swindled by fear and superstition and will the millions of African lives lost to starvation resulting from banning DDT be restored? Who will pay recompense for this nonsense which has dominated cultures around the world, forced on ordinary people by media, governments, and social elites? To this day songs like Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi” enjoy radio play, insulting the dead in Africa, slapping families in the face who hungered because the US would not fund imports treated with DDT. Environmental policy was wrong in this instance, and those responsible did nothing but reinstitute the use of DDT in farming--to little, to late.

Science split away from the Church in the twentieth century only to form a new world order which no one is allowed to deny. If one rejects the hyper superiority of the ruling climate geeks, he is condemned to hell on earth, left to rot in eternal misery for his blasphemy of the holy green spirit. Darwinist theories have changed multiple times since there inception in the nineteenth century. If the infallible “Pope” of science has to be constantly reevaluated, it is possible that global warming theories must also be reevaluated, scrutinized to ensure statistic probability. Those in opposition to the current status quo have a long uphill battle to fight. Ignorance is perhaps the most treacherous enemy to walk the earth and it has seized the minds of logical human beings everywhere. I for one will not be sucked into the mass hysteria which is global warming, as my dedication and help is best directed toward real and evident decay: suffering humans, lost and alone in an ignorant world.

do tell

2008-09-17T19:57:00.000-07:00

How does one muster up the courage necessary to break another’s heart? Not of a lover or companion, but that of one who has looked to the other in times past for wisdom and comfort. Speaking neither to cowardice nor anxiety, how does a person inflict sheer disappointment on an innocent soul? An uncomfortable and nettlesome subject at best, the art of verbal bombardment ends only in tears, causing a most unpleasant rift among involved parties. Can such a disaster be avoided? Or is this collision an unstoppable force, a hurricane pummeling the defenseless from all sides?

There remains unfinished business between myself and others, and it is my responsibility to attend to these unresolved matters. Though I experienced an extremely drastic life change, still, others were blindsided by an emerging bus with no warning. No matter how I try to cast myself as the afflicted, I always return to my nature, fully knowing that my zeal for others remains unfettered. Therefore, I rather loathe the torture which engulfs those whom I love. Effectively, I am yet soft on the inside regardless of my outer portrayal of hardnosedness. Sensitivity is not my middle name but my only name; I run not from my inner most character for it is that which providence has ordained.

Life is but imaginative longings within the corners of my mind. Five years, a decade or a half century down the road where shall I be? I gasp at such a venture. Frivolities of that sort are best reserved for the worrywarts and malcontents of spoiled society. My focus instead lies with relevant relationships, cultivating a habitat that promotes health and growth. Unbreakable bands, woven seamlessly together, form steadfast ties forged from such relations, giving life to ceaseless kinships founded in loyalty, honor and love. Here is where my heart lies. The essence of my being clings to such principles, leading me back to my original conclusion.

To this arduous task I bid the best of luck.

agents of change?

2008-08-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

As the election cycle nears ever closer to that fateful day in november, politicos and patriots across the nation are reeling with excitement over their candidate picks for the 2008 presidential race. Lawyers, Senators, farmers, bankers and CEOs are all discussing who will be the best for America and who will likely succeed in taking over the White House in January. The race has boiled down (though not without some getting severely burned - Hillary) to two candidates, Senators John S. McCain and Barack H. Obama. Not dissimilar in their quest for the 1600 Pennsylvania return address label, the pair are ultimately polar opposites from their personalities to their visions for the future. America will have to choose and choose wisely, as one of these two competitors will hold the highest office in the land for the next four years.

Mr. Obama has unapologetically cast himself as an agent of change during the course of his campaign, touting himself as the hope for the future and envisioning a new direction for America. Though he has never expounded on the specifics of his rhetoric, the public seems to have accepted his self proclaimed aura, giving him the pulpit he needs to propel his political agenda. Unfortunately for the hungry American public, vagueness is starving them from gaining any substantive insight into the life and intentions of the Senator from Illinois. Thoughtful questions seem to be continuously deflected, citing bigotry as reason not to answer. Interestingly the press gives this behavior a pass, seeming quite unshaken by the bold move to leave questions unanswered. If no explanations are offered and inquiries are ignored, how will citizens know the candidate?

Just days ago, Obama supporters teeming with excitement awaited a message revealing the identity of his running mate. When the news finally came through in the early hours of a non-business day, one could hear a pin drop as America held its breath--only to be categorically unimpressed with the results. Another Senator, aged and hailing from an insignificant state (as far as electoral votes are concerned) was announced as the partner in the agents of change campaign. Not only was this race already chock full of Senators (career politicians), but it was already full enough of elderly statesmen to put it kindly. So nothing new, nothing different, no element of change was introduced to the insatiable American public. Rather, a disheartening message rang loud and clear about the young Senator Obama: “I might be young and inexperienced, but this Washington lifer will balance me out!”

This strategy worked for George W. Bush in 2000, but then again he did have gubernatorial experience and a laundry list of statewide accomplishments under his belt when he promoted Cheney as his helping hand in foreign diplomacy. Still, the move worked and America twice elected the enigmatic Bush, awarding him both the highest and the lowest approval ratings in history. Bush was not the first candidate to employ such a method. John F. Kennedy chose the elder LBJ as his running mate, giving the Kennedy camp years of state and national congressional experience. He chose wisely, easily picking up younger voters himself while gently courting the skeptical older generations. JFK, with little experience, managed to easily take the White House in what was one of the most memorable political victories in US history.

Generally, the Obama campaign has been anticlimactic. Even his win over Hillary did not garner the expected thunderous roar of excitement from anxious Americans. Newspeople are showing signs of Obama fatigue, tired of talking up an increasingly unoriginal campaign. If Senator Obama expects to woo American voters into the euphoria of his vision he must take a risk and give the public that pinnacle moment in which they realize they have been changed--transformed by the message of hope. He must elicit a climax, bringing people to the point where they need him, believing in their hearts that he is their man, their savior. Clearly the platform of change and hope catapulted Obama to unimaginable political heights, but now the honeymoon is over. Unforgiving American politics will not yield to the unconfident or the stubborn and now Obama must prove that he is neither, risking everything to be different--to be the bringer of change and hope in the future.

holding on

2008-08-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

Recently I was catching up on my dearest Beatrice's blog where I always find something of interest, whether it be how to spell manolo blahniks or how to deal with raising two small children. Needless to say I frequently learn something I never thought I would when I enter into her unique world. I digress. My writing has once again strayed from the original point of this paragraph, which occurs quite often in my composition, causing nettlesome rewrites and ginormous revision. I suppose this is why I should follow the classic administrative assistant’s rule of striking all but the first sentence of each paragraph in any communication, so as to promote pithiness and clarity.

Back to Bee. My compatriot has a way with words which I suppose is why she has a way with people. Eloquently, she entreated me to conjure up my innermost predications concerning therapy, which is of particular interest to me as I am pursuing professional counseling as an occupation. As I read her words I had no choice but to agree with her that we all, out of practicality or desperation, should or will accomplish our own personal therapy in one way or another when conventional methods are unattainable. There is much to explore in that statement, but that is not my focus here.

As many (or most) therapists will admit, doing counseling is in its own way therapeutic. We counselors help others in a way that matches our nature. Our souls are cured as we attempt to pour into another, swelling at times with satisfaction from our loving hands. This helping profession, our own zen garden, is powerfully transforming, moving lost people toward healing and setting them on a path to psychological and spiritual health. So how do I know that I am not simply wasting thousands of dollars pursuing a career which will only comfort my troubled heart?

Like Bee says, when one cannot obtain professional therapy (whether from finances or other more terrifying reasons), he or she should strive to stave off insanity with simple diversions which are soothing in their own way. For some it is television. For others it is alcohol. For me, it is possible that education is my therapy. My solid reminder that I am not insane and that somehow my mind is still producing worth as confirmed by scholarly professors. I have spent nearly all of my life enrolled in an educational institution and I cannot imagine the day when this circumstance will cease to be. Unfortunately such bliss will come to an end and then where will I be?

I am delighted by Bee’s suggestion to grab whatever there is to hold on to in times of peril. This is a basic survival concept which many professionals fail to acknowledge in favor of some convoluted practice which will substantiate their research foci. Much of my life has been spent reaching for that shoot dangling above the quicksand. Eventually I had to take a greater risk and stretch for something bigger which ultimately plucked me from my demise. Keeping my head above water was no healing herb, but it did allow me to survive until the day of my rescue. Holding on is not easy, but if we expect to conquer doom it is the only feasible solution, as temporary as it may be.

Thanks again to Beatrice for causing me to think.

O

2008-08-04T20:01:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was one of the greatest of my life. Someone who I love very much made it clear to me that the future is only a whisper away. Never have I presumed to think that I would be lucky enough to encounter true love, much less marriage and a family. But these things are possible. They are not hidden away, reserved only for those who have earned it.

True companionship is found in one’s unrelenting willingness to accept another, regardless of his faults. I have learned this through my own experience of being continually received by my love. No questions asked, I am embraced fully and in a heartbeat I am swept away into filial bliss. Greater happiness is unimaginable, as my love and I are exploring new roads together.

Predicting the future is fruitless, as a formidable plan is often broken by the rules of love and life. I know, however, that some bonds of friendship and love will remain indefinitely unbroken, and these are the ties that bind me to a life full of joy. A my ship sets sail I will travel with another; on the open water will our journey take us, leading us ever onward to the glorious unknown.

childlike perceptions

2008-07-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

Ever since I can remember I have processed events in my mind much in the same way. A given event would occur and my first response was to view myself as distinctly separated or apart from the event. Almost as if I were a translucent or invisible being hovering above life below, curiously observing from a safe distance. I would then dissect the situation to the fullest, tearing apart every possible scenario and perception. I thought about what others were thinking. I wondered how or if this would alter my own perceptions or actions. Pondering what could have been done differently, I dreamt of alternative outcomes and wild stories that were so far from reality. Then, the crowning moment of the psychoanalytic experience prompted me to discern why God had allowed or ordered me to be a part of the event.

Not much has changed over the years, save for my bravery in enduring previously unexplored situations. Now that I find myself in the midst of such phenomena, I cannot seem to pull myself from the scope of the circumstance. Rather, I am stuck dwindling in and endless vacuum which draws me ever nigh to the encompassing walls of entrapment. Like a mime imprisoned in a mirror I am unable to break free from this extra dimensional jail. I suppose it will take a John Constantine to fetch me from this abyss. I only wonder if I am serving as my own warden.

All this to say that I am absolutely happy with my life. My current pursuits, my education and my relationships are all fitting quite nicely together--though perhaps much to the sorrow of certain loved ones. It is understandable that not everyone will agree all the time and especially at the same time. What I must keep at the forefront of my mind, however, is that the stability of my rationality has never been reliant upon the perceptions of others--even if I once blindly submitted myself to such falsity. Here ends my posting for July. Until next month then.

Swimming with the big ones

2008-07-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

A different fish now swims in the sea. Where once an old bass dwelt among squalor a perch now roams the vast oceans. Try as I may I cannot seem to swim among aquatic life. It is too unpredictable. I always thought that surprise and intrigue would more than suffice for my yearning for adventure; rather, I have been disappointed by such trivialities. My adventurous pursuits have only ended in wounds which I cannot rationalize or explain with some semblance of logic. Instead I suffer my own criticism.

In the meantime, I still endure that which will not cease to torture me. Though I knew this day was coming I remained unprepared; suffering under the delusion that I would somehow avoid such a pitfall. Even now I cannot regret my pursuance of the path set out before me. I know within the depths of my soul I have strived for valor, for honor. To preserve that which is thrown away by many; to uplift the human value for life and all that it encompasses. My brethren, I call for your patience, as time will give you the respect you so humbly desire.

to my family

2008-06-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

I love my family very much. I would sacrifice myself for any of them without a second thought on any given day. Each and every member is important to me. They are all a part of something so big and so great that the magnitude of their inclusion perhaps escapes them. Even so, their inclusion and loveliness is not diminished; they are fully loved and fully accepted, regardless of their outward faults. I fully support them in every facet of their complicated lives; and I refrain from discussing their situations with others, especially those who are family.

I know my family loves me very much. I know that those concerned for me are very upset at this time. They feel that I am not thinking rationally and that I need to seek special counsel to resolve issues that are horrifying and scary to them. What is difficult for them to grasp, however, is that none of the current happenings are anything new. Anyone who feigns being shocked by recent events is in great denial. Never have I hid who I am or who I have always been from anyone--and those who know me can attest to such a claim.

The saddest part of this endurance for me is realizing that members of my own family are proving to be no different from the stereotypical religious right that has garnered such a bad reputation among the world. Rather than discuss an issue with me, they feel it necessary to explore an issue which they know nothing about among themselves, arriving at an an agreeable solution that will satisfy their qualms. I cannot stress the outrageousness of this behavior. It is immature and unchristian. They are blinded by their own religiosity.

My frustrations being stated, I will not condemn my family. I love them and will let them come to terms with me on their own time. I knew this day was coming for a long while, and to pretend that I am shocked by anything that has occurred would be a display of utter sophistry. I understand that personal belief systems, nourished over the years, will override my situation in every circumstance. Still I am saddened by the fact that my own kin find it easier to avoid me and self medicate rather than to talk with me. Under no circumstance would I afford them such a terror.

Christian piety is a phrase which needs to be more fully examined by all parties involved in this situation. I will not point a finger, as my own faults have stacked up against me during my lifetime. Recent events do not require blame; rather, they require unconditional love and unfortunately only certain parties are showing such love. Not surprisingly, those who are traditionally targeted in not living up to Christian standards are the only ones who are actually showing Christian love. Those who linger in the shadow of secrecy cannot know honesty because they refuse to conduct open conversation. These things, among others, will not be easily forgotten.

Even now a rift forms among a fellowship. Fickleness and desertion are now prominent where once strength resided. Justification has never been argued from my standpoint, yet correction and judgement of error is easily passed down from dissidents. Random biblical miscellany is thrown about, attempting to dissuade a child from his wrongdoing; unfortunately an adult is on the receiving end, well capable of recognizing such inanity, tossing aside predictable interpretations. And the standing defense, the rock upon which the family is founded, is attacked from all sides. Complaints and petitions, demanding action, love by discipline, and other “biblical” callings are leveled against the one who stands firm in the faith, the one who stands firm in love.

This issue does not revolve around right and wrong. In fact, it is so much withdrawn from such ethical issues that it would be impossible for one to tie them together at this point. We as a family are not presented with an ethical dilemma; rather we are presented with an opportunity to exemplify Christian love. What remains to be seen is whether or not the members of this family will read past their traditional Christianese and realize their familial obligations. Perhaps this will not happen. Perhaps communication will cease to be recovered among the family for an undefinable period of time. That is alright. There is no harm in space and quietness.

All I can say is that I love my family. They must know this, as I have always put them first in my life. I would not actively put them through what they must now endure if I could spare them from such an affair. With assurance I promise that the pain which they must know incur is much more bearable than the alternative solution of great sadness. For years such a travesty has plagued my mind and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my choice is far better than the miserable terminus of life. I have visited the edge of this danger, and I prefer to avoid such a pitfall in the future.

Resentment should in no way be extracted from my comments here. A prose, however, is meant to give light to my innermost being. My soul is exposed with humble honesty and courage. It is presumable that those who disagree with me will surely inquire about my faith. Ironically, my faith has never changed nor shall it for as long as I live. Inquirers, though, will put forth the classic and outdated question of renouncing Christ and denying Christian faith. Immature as this may be, I will choose to look past the hypercritical commentary which echoes underneath my footsteps. My spirit and my love for others will not be bludgeoned by biblically cloaked missteps.

It is acknowledgeable that my tone can seem quite rebellious at times throughout this posting. But in my defense I am fighting a fight which is taking place primarily behind my back. Those who prescribe the cure all for my situation cannot even initiate conversation with me personally. I extend to them a certain amount of understanding, but I limit myself at the point of becoming injured by said actions. I do not wish to epitomize a stereotype or show disdain for that which influenced my raising; simply put I desire that members of my family would put their feelings aside for one moment and realize that I have been myself for twenty-six years. Now is not the time to take issue with my inherent personality.

I tire of spending so much time on one insignificant little issue that has no salvific implications. People are suffering. People are dying. There are real issues to worry about and this is not one of them. Over time I am confident that these principles will be fully realized by involved parties. Until then all I can do is glory in the love which I have always possessed for my family while trying to maintain loving and stable relationships with each and every one of them.

Reunion

2008-05-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

...Three friends ascend a mountain top on three separate sides. Each has been traveling for a great many years. They could not have traveled together; the journey would have proven impossible. But their isolated treks would lead them to reunion in the end. Upon a great cliff would their candor return. Great joy is brought upon them, and affection brews in their hearts...

I am happy to be reunited with two dear friends of mine. Though we took separate paths, we have come together at a fork in the road and for the foreseeable future it would seem that we might now travel together. Nothing brings such joy to my heart, as the love found in youth is everlasting. Our care and concern for one another has never ceased, yet it has been cloaked in the sea of happenings. Now our lamps are visible to each other and we glory together in enduring companionship.

into life

2008-05-20T20:06:00.000-07:00

Love is a bud that beckons to be opened by the mighty rays of the sun. When this flower blooms love bursts into life. Once grazed by its smooth pedals, one is transformed into an ethereal state of being. Morning mist provides a tender kiss. The dew rolling off the outstretched arms of the flora gathers into glassy pools, reflecting, augmenting the object of original beauty. Destiny is satisfied and love is freed.

... ... ...

Two weeks ago my life was altered in such a way that I still cannot fathom to this very day. The unforeseen turn of events abruptly brought about drastic changes, literally sweeping me off my feet and sending me into recurring fleeting moments of euphoria and pure bliss. I have not felt this way in such a long time. My attention has been captured, and reality merged with dreams. This new wind carries me briskly, faster than I have ever traveled. But there is comfort to be had from this force. I am neither afraid nor apprehensive about what is to come, for the winds of change and chance have smiled upon me and ensured safe passage to a great and glorious destination. With eagerness I await the coming days.

wonder

2008-05-19T20:07:00.000-07:00

Often I have dreamed of traveling to a place where I might find love and rest. It is only natural to pair these feelings together, as attaining one often involves experiencing the other. These states of being, then, are the only words which can describe one’s actions in his pursuit to live. My quest for life is a poetic tribute to this notion; I find my rest in love and I found love through rest.

Perhaps the greatest companion is the one who not only knows your flaws, but also appreciates that you have them. When this phenomenon occurs, honesty shines and true relationship blossoms. From there a trust is built, creating something new and beautiful and full of life. Elation then nourishes the soul, ever growing and ever binding with another, forming an unbreakable bastion, built to withstand any tempestuous gale.

I gain strength from these principles. Strength and a desire to live and live fully. Whereas once I could not see a way out of entrapment, I now know there is light to be found at the end of an untraveled path. Though it bears deep into an uncharted forest, I can sense life, safety, peace. I am not alone. We are not alone. Together we shall trek the unknown and together we will arrive at rest.

2008-01-13T18:37:00.001-07:00

Jen is my favorite. She exudes the type of attitude and personality that I would wish upon all of my friends. She is laid back and loving, regardless of the situation, and for that I am greatly appreciative. Plus she does not judge me for my intermittent alcoholism.

2008-01-03T17:49:00.000-07:00

death comes quickly to those who fear it the most; slowly to those who need it the most. it is but a loathsome thing--not because it brings about the cessation of life but because it destroys hearts. love hurts and love cut short stings like salt in a wound. and bitterness of tongue follows without end. tears fall and form a sea of emptiness; a numbness that masks all feeling. how my heart is battered! my spirit torn! oh respite come with haste! but lo i remain unchanged, unfettered by the restraints of hateful cherubs. and in the end alone. always. yet this is nothing new. as my pen began to stroke this page i knew the end result, nothing.

2008-01-02T02:08:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Jen has posted a brilliant survey of what she did and experienced in 2007. Pardon me for my plagiarism but I must confess my own personal answers to this extensive questionnaire. Here goes...

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?

I purchased my first home.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did... And I have already made new ones, Bryan knows what they are...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Thank God no.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Unfortunately my best friends grandpa and grandfather both passed away within weeks of each other during the Christmas holiday. We will miss them. My brother-in-law's mother died as well.

5. What countries did you visit?

Jacksonville, Florida... If you've been you will understand.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

Love. Love. Love.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

March 18 (birthday party at My Florist), March 19 (we closed on our home), July 19 (I was honest with a friend), and September 28 (Housewarming I & remodel completion).

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Probably remodeling our new condo.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Probably in several relationships.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I had a nasty bout with strep in the summer, followed by my first sinus infection in the winter!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Two iMacs. And my condo of course!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mike, Brittany, Jen, Sophie, Nate, Dick, Jeff, Kerri, Rick, Ronnie, Kasdan and myself of course.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

She knows who she is.

14. Where did most of your money go?

The remodel... yikes!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Monday Fun Day.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

"Last Night" - Diddy

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a.) happier or sadder?

I don't recall... but I seem to be complacent.

b.) thinner or fatter?

Much thinner, haha. And more lean.

c.) richer or poorer?

Surprisingly richer... I don't know how that happened.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Reading, writing and traveling.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Eat junk food.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Happily with a gigantic bottle of chardonnay, and my laptop to keep me company ;) The family was great to see as well. It was fun to have Sarah and Sophie this year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Love turned me into a disaster this year... We'll see what happens.

23. How many one-night stands?

Hmm... I know I will get accosted for answering this... but I think ten is correct.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Brothers and Sisters, Dirty Sexy Money, Desperate Housewives, Battlestar Galactica, and Prison Break.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hate is a strong word but according to the dictionary unfortunately it seems I do... Though I would never articulate such a harsh phrase.

26. What was the best book you read?

This is easy, "State of Fear" by Michael Crichton. It changed my life. I also picked up "Godless" by Ann Coulter, which was amusing.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

That I could actually play a bunch of classical music that I had never tried before.

28. What did you want and get?

A new iMac, a condo downtown, a new Scion xB, health insurance, life insurance and a retirement plan. Oh, and a bed. :)

29. What did you want and not get?

A trip to California in the summer.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Does it have to be released this year? I only watch DVD's... As far as that goes, I must say that Finding Neverland was one of my favs... I cried for the last fifteen minutes.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

On my birthday I believe we received our keys to our new condo, but the day before we partied at My Florist. I turned 25, ouch!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Having Jen and Brittany for cocktails everyday!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

White on white, and re-introducing the concept of the tie.

34. What kept you sane?

Mike, Jen, Brittany, Rick and Kerri

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Hmm... it depends on what the definition of fancy is. If it means "A" then it is the Pope; if it is "B" then it is Zac Efron ;) LOL

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Global warming is a religion that is more judgmental than Christian fanatics.

37. Who did you miss?

Robert, Casey, Bethany, Kasdan, Dick, Amber, Dave, Cindy, Uncle Robbie, Uncle Jeff, Manders and Jeff.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Nate, Sophie, Andrew, Chelsea, Ronnie, Trevor, Richie, Nicole and Travis

39. Tell us some valuable life lessons you learned in 2007.

-I want love; just a different kind.

-Stasis is not satisfactory.

-Money does bring significant stability.

-Women still influence my life the most, whether good or bad.

40. Quote some song lyrics that sum up your year:

"Cigarettes and chocolate milk, these are just a couple of my cravings. Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger, a little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me. If i should buy jellybeans, have to eat them all in just one sitting. Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter, a little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me.

And then there's those other things, which for several reasons we won't mention. Everything about them is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder, a little bit deadly. It isn't very smart; tends to make one part so broken-hearted.

Sitting here remembering me, always been a shoe made for the city. Go ahead, accuse me of just singing about places, with scrappy boys faces, have general run of the town. Playing with prodigal songs takes a lot of sentimental Valiums. Can't expect the world to be your raggedy Andy while running on empty you little old doll with a frown.

You got to keep in the game, maintaining mystique while facing forward. I suggest a reading of 'a lesson in tightropes' or 'surfing your high hopes' or 'adios Kansas'.

Still there's not a show on my back, holes or a friendly intervention. I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit Irish, a little bit Tower of Pisa whenever i see you. So please be kind if I'm a mess."

-Rufus Wainwright, "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk"

2007-12-31T19:46:00.000-07:00

out with the old, in with the new. like a flood of rushing water the sunrise of the new year awaits. surpassing all possibility of remaining implacable, waxing nostalgic, the hereafter comes with a mighty sword, thrashing its way through all stubborn stragglers. i am already moving; i set sail long ago so as not to be taken by surprise. others will look on saying i have abandoned them but if they look closely they will see that my place was in danger from the power of the surge and theirs was safeguarded high atop a towering cliff. that they might come to see this is a dream of mine, yet it in itself is not to be real. perhaps one day their ship will be forced to set sail and i will greet them on the vast sea which now divides us. and we shall reminisce for auld lang syne.

2007-12-31T01:52:00.000-07:00

i found the source of the creepos. i had to kill it, and it hurt me to do so. i love green plants and when they wither a piece of my soul dies also. but the pest is gone and i am thankful.

2007-12-30T22:44:00.000-07:00

"As concerning my friends and kinsfolk," quoth he, "[I am not concerned] greatly for them. For I think i have sufficiently done my part towards them already. For these things that other men do not depart from until they be old and sick, yea, which they be then very loath to leave when they can no longer keep, those very same things did I, being not only [vigorous] and in good health but also in the flower of my youth, divide among my friends and kinsfolk. Which I think with this my liberality ought to hold them contented, and not to require nor to look that besides this I should for their sakes give myself in bondage unto kings."

-Utopia, Book I

2007-12-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

in the bleak midwinter, we wait for glad tidings of christmas to bring us joy. in a season of cheer the heart longs for love and the spirit seeks peace in the winter solstice. another year has gone and a new dawn approaches. the new solar revolution will bring times of great change. i desire not to lose myself. i hope to love and be loved. i will bring success to myself and others. i will embrace with confidence the path revealed before me and i will endure to new heights.

2007-12-24T02:59:00.000-07:00

i met impossible fate tonight, and again i was turned down.

i am not surprised, i will not falter; yet i am still sad.

still i will tarry; still i will endure;

and eventually i will find my respite; i know it.

2007-12-22T02:30:00.001-07:00

i want to go to neverland. where endless beauty abounds. evergreen forests span the horizon. flashes of blood orange and mango yellow peel across the sky, piercing through the clouds on the sea. a ship rests gently in a cove. mermaids sunbathe on the warm rocks. the redskins hum soft melodies singing sweetly to the tune of dusk. time never catches up here. it is always behind.

the morning does not bring age, but rather a gang of hungry children pouring down a hill to pick fresh strawberries, blueberries, apple berries, bananas and kiwis to decorate their breakfast. they hasten only the delight of their stomachs, as a seemingly endless day lies in wait. enter the pan. the boy named peter descends upon his kingdom in a wave of glory as the realm of the fairies greets him magically. he does not worry; he does not fret. for here tears cannot exist. the very water to supply them is turned into fairy dust. though the young prince will lead his pack into battle with the pirates, he knows that good will win in this place. all will be well in the land of everlasting youth.

yes this is neverland. that place where i was meant to be. i must find my way. i must believe. i will think happy thoughts and gain my wings. i will take flight past the second star to the right and straight on till morning. there i will find the land of wonder. the dawn of enchantment. i shall touch down there, never to return.

2007-12-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

i feel nothing. numbness is enjoyable to the extent that one does not feel pain, but it is not a lovable companion. drugs can only affect a mood; they cannot erase it.

2007-12-19T15:46:00.000-07:00

http://www.washingtontimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071219/COMMENTARY/10575140

i feel sorry, no sad for those who still debase themselves by being a part of the religion of disinformation that is global warming. how many astrophysicists, geophysicists, scientists and doctors is it going to take to convince the fanatics that their blind faith in such a purposefully misinformed notion is but a "fire in their belly" that amounts to nothing more than acid stomach. the facts are there for people to read yet the response to the confrontation of reason is often a childish fit usually consisting of such statements as "i haven't read it but i don't need to. i know it's true. everyone says it is. everyone. i promise." i should be able to rest my case after presenting that outrageous evidence.

not only is global warming a religion, but it is a bad religion! that is to say it has no benefit to you. sure it promises of good times and peace for your great grandchildrens' great grandchildren, but that is not very encouraging. you get nothing when you die! no heaven, no hell; just the simple relaxation gained from knowing the polar bears back on earth are not dead. i wouldn't go to church for that religion, and i definitely won't use less toilet paper either. at some point, humanity will re-embrace logic (i hope) and come to its senses when regarding such matters. we cannot cure the common cold but we seem to have the audacity to believe we can change the earth's lifespan by lighting one less candle for hanukkah.

2007-12-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

saying goodbye to people is very difficult. it does not get any easier, even when you know you will be parting soon. the heart aches and the spirit cries for more time, but providence is the sole proprietor of time and he does as he sees fit. only can we hope for peace when we take our leave. peace that will comfort us through lonely steps...

the irony of death is its bittersweet array of emotions. what can be such a relief to some is but an act of torture to others. in one way the dark shadow is the new found rest of troublesome life; alternatively, the crisp coldness of lifelessness is very source of great pain. if it comes quickly it can be devastating, leaving loved ones desiring more time. if it drags on slowly it cannot come quick enough. such matters are irksome to say the least...

2007-12-17T16:04:00.002-07:00

last night i met the future. it was incredible but it ended quite sadly as i could not hold on to it when it escaped.

2007-12-14T00:29:00.000-07:00

with the new year just around the corner, and the ever nearer twenty-sixth marker of death, i have been thinking about several goals to set for the coming solar revolution. i have made up my mind on several things, including but not limited to the following: i shall not give up tanning, smoking the pipe or any other such a vice such as the drink. these curiosities divert the mind and are yet a wondrous joy to be a part of my life.

with regard to the aforementioned matters, i already have what i consider to be several healthy habits. these of course include but are not limited to the following: christianity, community fellowship, fitness, a vegan diet, organic choices in food and beauty products, spacial organization, cleanliness, reading, writing, speaking, politics, music, art and culture. all of this, and i still find the need to resolve.

what could i possibly come up with this year that would even affect me in the slightest? i could think of a few ideas; however, such notions would almost certainly lead me to instantaneous instability thereby sending me spiraling into a pitfall of destruction. augustine himself noted the danger in thinking. it only ends in tears one way or another. so how does one settle this dilemma? i possess not a solid answer.

what i can say is this: events of change are on the horizon. set into motion and unstoppable, the proceedings to come were put into place by providence and the flame has already touched the wick. new days, new faces, old faces that have changed. these and more will grace the approaching times. i wonder how my face will change... i wonder if age will weigh on me... where will i turn?

good morning baltimore!

2007-12-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

there is nothing like a little hairspray to brighten up your day! the cultural bliss into which one descends in this movie is life altering; it inspires. one is quickly whisked away from loneliness into a world of camaraderie and youthful joy. optimism is at a prime in this adventure and one's heart is quickened to the tune of a jubilant soul.

ode to scottsdale

2007-12-08T01:37:00.001-07:00

oh scottsdale, how i loathe thee more than ever

from the moment one first tastes the ilk, he gags

the air thick with austere anonymity, he is alone

puke to the right and drunk girl to the left

a tragic scene no doubt, and all players are doomed

enter the douche, six feet tall and infinitely stupid

his male pattern clearly showing his age

he attempts to start a fight with an immature dig

only to be greeted with the more becoming sound of silence

he puts his four inch tail between his legs and cowers

oh scottsdale, how elated i am to learn that i still detest you

you never change and i clearly will not submit to your sea of filth

2007-12-04T11:56:00.000-07:00

the next two years of my life seem to have been planned out for me. i cannot say that time will progress exactly as my premonition suggests, but i am confident that the newest developments shall lead to a certain end result--possibly yielding some varying factors. as i prepare to take this plunge i know i will get wet. as i submerge myself into the deep i know the pressure in my ears will increase. i know these things yet i will embark on such an aquatic adventure...

there are two areas of life in which i extremely loathe change: occupation and place of living. when either of these changes i get cranky and unreasonable, not dissimilar to a whiny child. since my home is stable at this point in time it is the occupational change which bites at me presently. ironically, the shift in occupation ends up affecting the home in a great and powerful way, thereby nullifying the previous sentence. apparently i am on the two year plan for places of employment. but that is not surprising given my undisguised compulsion to stir up the pond. this of course is all to say that though i detest chaos, i frequently throw myself into a whirlwind of chaotic possibilities. so i am a masochist.

2007-11-29T23:56:00.000-07:00

halleglorylujah!

i'm back. and not even a computer geek with a chinese passport could subvert me from my lair. the ass has been smitten and i have resumed my electronic life. after seven days and six nights (which sounds like a sequel even more mundane than the original) of utter hell, the hats at google decided that there was something suspicious about me changing my language to mandarin and getting from the united states to asia in three hours. needless to say i am safely returned to my life of records, as it were, and my identity is safely back in my pocket. i feel like peter pan having spent a week chasing around my own shadow that somehow got away from me, the bastard.

so much has happened since the travesty began. i don't even know where to begin. hurricane projections were overestimated (again) this year. hmmm, i'll bet federal aid requests remained the same...

in other news a brit was arrested by the sudanese government for insulting islam. after foolishly naming a teddy bear "mohamed," proponents of the peaceful religion apparently found it prudent to indict the teacher, deciding whether or not to give her the lashes which are standard procedure for women especially. mercifully, the powers that be thought it sufficient to only imprison the fifty-four year old in an overcrowded facility infested with mosquitoes for a mere fifteen days. that's two weeks for those of you in orange county. how did the brits respond? with many "huffs" and "well i never"s. the powerless poodles drooled about while their own rotted away in the hands of the insane. how did the woman's family respond? "our main concern is that people will look poorly on islam for this." well, i'll be damned if i don't disdain the disaster of a religion for its own hypocrisy and lies. in conclusion, this is yet another case of the schoolyard bully pushing down a kid, the teacher and parents telling the kid to stand up and then bend over for the bully, and the kid actually listening to their lunacy. the end.

oh, and by the way, i now have health insurance... for the cost of a healthy tan in the winter one can enable a doctor to prod for irregular tension in the nether regions...

2007-11-20T23:40:00.000-07:00

that little turd
and no i'm not talking about rove (turd blossom)
rather, that petulant child mclellan
who does he think he is?

clearly, he cannot find work since he must pander to the ny times to get some cash
he will deal his dope and the insufferable dregs of society will smoke it all up

whatever. he'll get what's his.

i'm in a bad mood because of medical stuff. pffh.

2007-11-08T22:43:00.000-07:00

school is on the mind. i am pursuing my dreams in no particular order and no one's ill fated attemp at dampening my goals will succeed. i am too strong, too smart to succumb to the rantings of such a petulant child. i will master in the art of counsiling, psychology with the intent of eventually treating individuals and my own cash flow. i have begun the process, the wheel is moving and there is no stopping it now.

several of the persons with whom i converse regularly are in fact crazy, a notion which i have recently deemed to be true. clinically speaking, they would probably not qualify in being committed to an institution but only because their rabid conniving minds could think of a lie ludicrous enough to seem reasonable to others. i have tried to part with such individuals yet they seem to stick to the bottom of my shoe like an annoying piece of gum. i do not want to seem insensitive, but the lunacy has reached its pinnacle, driving perturbation into every corner of my life. it must end. i will end it.

i am extremely irritated to know that there are those individuals who use the term "we" when they clearly mean you. furthermore, it is even more agitating they say it in the context of trying to get you to do something. in other words, shut the hell up.

2007-11-06T23:43:00.001-07:00

the exquisitness of a life experience is only tantamount to that which constantly abrades the mind. in other words, beauty is equal only to pain; love only to hate. all emotion and feeling are wrapped up into a bungled conglomeration of utter confusion.

2007-11-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

i find it hypocritical that some people find it appropriate to excoriate others for their personal habits when the detractors themselves are left unscathed for their own offensive doings. should i be apologetic for my passion in living life? should i alter my ways so that others can be more comfortable? i will say that i have no intention of doing this, and, if others find it necessary to remove themselves from my presence then so be it. it would not be the first time and everyone knows the best friend one can have is oneself.

2007-10-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

we went to disneyland.
the b-shedd came along as well!
we had fun.
here are some memorable quotes:

"looks like jumping the fence is just second nature to them..."

"that's what she said"

"we should put a giant 'v' on your forehead"

"they are like a potato and a carrot"

"i wonder if they've added the smell of burning forests to the 'soarin over cali' ride"

"i need to get to a bathroom now before i bleed out"

2007-10-22T03:56:00.000-07:00

As I gaze upon the lonely star which rises in the east, prefacing the morning sun, I wonder if life really does exist outside the realistic realm of practicality. I would conjecture that it does not; but alas, my skepticism rears its ugly head. Life pours forth from my being, stemming from a single bud and multiplying into a sea of scions--each shoot reaching for its own identity; its own fulfillment. I believe my marrow to be of principled substance, yet I contradict even my own predications within the very bowls of my soul.

I love. I learn. I live.

My simple desire is to sit with another on such a venture; however, I know what is impossible. Just as my facile words pass into the vastness which is the aeon of the unheard, so are my juvenile sentiments of romance vanquished by the starkness of conventionalism. Perhaps the wind shall one day bring upon me a great pilgrim who might guide my cynicism to a place of reconciliation. Perhaps one day from the crow's nest the lookout will shout "hope does not avoid us; It awaits us yet ahead!"

2007-10-17T17:10:00.000-07:00

I have never been surrounded by so many voluntarily blind people. To my right and my left sheep are literally pulling the wool over their own eyes. Leaders are wasting leadership opportunities in exchange for sloth. Citizens are ignoring mass murder in their own backyards only to listen to lesbian love fantasies exchanged on The View. As the dark force that is liberalism presses more fervently upon this nation, Americans have been rendered immobile; they have abandoned reason, trading in logic for "gratification." I look on in disbelief even as friends and family follow the mentally ill flock to the edge of the cliff. They see no terror in the coming storm. My heart grieves for them. I scream and shout at the top of my lungs, yet I am not heard. Perhaps I have been rendered mute by the spirit of evil.

Our public schools are an utter failure; not because they are producing uneducated students (which they are), but they have failed the American people because they have delivered our young to the mouth of the lion. Insane "teachers" and profane professors have dirtied the water of what was supposed to be a safe place to bring up our youth. We trusted these institutions to take our young and prepare them to face the world, not submerge them into a world of debauchery, hate, disorder and lies. From the earliest of ages our children now learn the dynamics of sexually deviant behavior ranging from self gratification to same sex marriage. Rather than teach them not to lie, cheat and steal we think it is more important to impose upon them "principles" of tolerance (except when it comes to tolerating anything remotely Christian in nature), how to use contraceptives to avoid AIDS (which is mainly a homosexually and IV transmitted disease) and only to use one square of toilet paper so as to save the earth. The so called "institutions of learning" have desecrated themselves, dragging our children with them into the miry pit. We have stood by and watched, perhaps hoping for a different outcome, but we cannot deny what has happened and the only way to cure this disease is to kill it. It is time for the closure of all public education. It is one of the worst mistakes that this nation has ever made.

Only when he is imprisoned will my fellow man realize the death he has brought upon himself; only when his life is threatened will he see again. Will it take mothers watching in horror as knives are put to the throats of infants? Will it take kindergartners learning how to put on condoms? What more will it take to grab the attention of those who claim to care? The method of sitting back and hoping for the best will work no more. The leading liberal candidates for the American presidency unanimously agree on federally funding abortions to those who cannot afford to pay their own assassin. Are we so mindless and stupid that we cannot see the lack of logic in killing our own, killing the defenseless nonetheless? For thirty years we have answered yes to that question, giving a dumb nod while bad judicial law has reigned by stymieing sanity.

Is this really the end for this once principled nation? I hope it is not. I still have faith in a being that is greater than any political candidate. I still believe that most Americans prefer wisdom to the stupidity of liberalism and the moral relativism it heralds. My words are harsh but they are indeed the truth and I will not stand by like an idiot, watching the flocks descend the cliff to their bloody deaths. I will speak up. I will write a thousand letters. I will civilly disobey. I only hope others will listen.

2007-10-09T00:59:00.000-07:00

why is it that family is the first to turn their backs on each other in times of disagreement? what purpose does this serve but that of the evil one himself? i can reason any of this ridiculousness away with simple elementary logic. why cannot they? i am through wasting my time trying to encourage people to get along. it is a simple choice.

...

my pen runs dry these days as my thoughts have dwindled into simple desires for sedation. my purest longings are still of the most evil, and my mental composition will always be flawed. the only comfort i have is that i know exactly what i will be doing in ten years and how i will get there. my future is set before me and thus far it has progressed exactly how i predicted it would. i was born alone. i shall fulfill a life alone. it is the only way permissible. but i must say it is not by choice. for if there were another way i assure you i would have taken it.

my words fall upon deaf ears and blind eyes. there is only so much humanity can take. i understand that. which is why i know that the only person that can help me is myself. it is solely up to me when it comes to my earthly salvation. i did not created the monster that lies within, but i trained it; i nurtured it and raised it into its current state. i have brought it about from being exclusively carnivorous to a point of preferring vegetation. perhaps this has something to do with a form of personal punishment, or remembrance rather. for i shall not forget where i came from.

love remains unchanged. reserved only for those who are unconventional which augments all complication into a vast chasm of complexity. but when adoration is born, it scourges the body in way so unbearable that it creates distaste for such frivolities. yet the mind remains unchecked; the will is wild and relationship implants itself in a permanent position.

i know not how long this charade will last. it is wearisome. it is exhausting. it is self-demeaning. i must heal. i must let go. but these are the very poisons which torment me incessantly. if a mountain lies behind me, an infinite precipice awaits.

2007-10-08T01:28:00.000-07:00

again i am troubled with my undying love for the impossible. how it torments me! i bring new meaning to the phrase "a league of his own." no matter how hard i try, i cannot fit into the social box which has been approved for me. i am floundering.

2007-10-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

it is time. the regime that currently stands in iran must be toppled. it is time for the world to rid itself of this festering blister and shed the irksome government that has tormented many for too long. as it stands, they have been allowed to exist long enough. they have had opportunity and peaceful invitations to change, yet they tarry. furthermore, it is not as if they do so privately or to remain unnoticed; rather, they foment malcontentedness throughout the world in the form of fear and murder. the monster that grows in the east must be crushed with the swift hand of the west or the body which is the earth will rip itself apart.

2007-10-05T11:53:00.000-07:00

Need I say more?

2007-10-04T00:31:00.000-07:00

why must my eyes set upon a feast of which i cannot partake? i dream the impossible. i imagine the unrealistic. i take not of beauty and i set forth to appreciate it. is like mindedness really that hard to find? maybe. these questions and more weigh heavily on my mind.

2007-10-03T00:53:00.000-07:00

perhaps one of the most motivating factors of life is the artful state of waiting; especially for that which shall never be achieved. i constantly find myself in a period of anticipation for what is to come. rarely am i satisfied by simple stasis. the cure for this discomfort is found in a stainless steel shaker, and poured gently through a stream of rocks. here ends my vagueness.

humans naturally desire to be bonded with those who are similar to themselves; though it is not uncommon for the same to crave the dissimilar. the predicament that is so frustrating is when one finds himself stuck in the category of not fitting into a specific category. that is to say that one finds himself neither lion nor lamb, neither vodka nor gin. instead he finds himself floating along in a classification of miss fits whom are rarely understood by either side of an argument or alignment.

i suppose there must be some danger in finding that fond likeness in another person. for this is when one ceases to search. he does not lift his eyes to the horizon, and he lays flat on the ground as he drinks from the stream. with his vulnerability at critical levels he can expect to be met with the striking blow of disappointment and rejection. a man has but only a limited amount of love to give while he is in the world, and unfortunately it is not renewable.

perhaps one day the man shall collide with another who is his balance. one who fears providence. one who does not justify but rather loves. but this is yet another dream of such fantastic proportions that it too shall never see an end.

My Trip to Maine

2007-09-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

Day 1

The first day of such an adventure is always a cumbersome one, depending on one’s view of somewhat strenuous travel. That is to say there is no easy way to get to our cozy little corner of the great state of Maine. About two hours from Bangor, which has the nearest submainstream air field, Pleasant Pond lies deep within the remote stillness of the green state; a novelty which seems to be quickly disappearing in the United States and the rest of the world today.

The car ride to Caratunk, the little “town” which borders our pond, is not unpleasant, though it is neither very interesting nor unique. In fact, it is very similar to driving through parts of the southern Midwest of America. If you were to stop along the way at a convenience store perhaps, you might encounter some friendly folk, or at least a very congenial atmosphere. Mainers pride themselves on their generally pleasant dispositions, though some would argue that they equally treasure their social quirks. That will be discussed more in depth later.

When the car pulls up to the camp, there is a sensation that the trip is not fictional but very real. The arduous travel is suspended until the inevitable return journey, but all one can process is the utter beauty before him, drenched in the dew of sweetness and natural purity that Maine has to offer. The car door opens, and it is not quiet. No, nature is full of life. One can hear the soft patter of trickling rain upon the ground; the trees above rustling their leaves to the wind. Then a bird chirps cheerfully in the distance, singing praise for the rain. All is not quiet here, no; all is vibrant, full of life, truly alive!

Naturally when man first arrives in the wilderness he is first smitten with awe and reverence for the great outdoors. Give it a few minutes though, and he will begin processing how he can “conquer” the newly found land. It is perfectly natural for him to think in this manner and he will devise a plan to provide him shelter, comfort, those things which are afforded to him in the more heavily populated areas of the world.

For us, our camp is our refuge among the wildlife. Sitting afoot a clearly blue lake (or as some call it, a moderately large pond), our camp gleams in the distance from all directions. The cabin itself is adorned with carefully selected slats of birch and pine, with a green trim roof crowning all sides. The woods spill down from the hills above, coming up to our doorstep, but being careful not to sweep us into the pond. Birch and pine and ash and maple are planted all around, with flowers indigenous and exotic adorning the lengths of the camp.

This is a beautiful place of wonder and excitement, though its own tranquility quite often tricks the minds of its visitors who mistakenly believe they will be without a care or numb during their stay. Yes, one might leave behind his worries of the busy world but most assuredly he will take on new thoughts, new ideas that will drive him daily to think of what’s coming next during his temporal life among greens. This haven is not a drug or a hallucinogen; it does not fix the mind with substance based euphoria. Rather, it entreats the spirit to come alive and breathe the breath of life, sending the soul to new heights of joy and creativity. Truly the mind is released to honesty and the heart is given to genuine love.

Day 2

The morning comes quickly the first full day in bliss. The air is crisp and cold; the wooden slats in the floor are chilly, beckoning for the Franklin stove to be lit. Clothed in comfy pajamas and warm slippers, one cannot wait to ascend the creaky stairs up to where the warmth of the stove is waiting for all. The house begins to bustle, its residents moving around tending to the fire, making coffee and toasting bread in the oven. Everything is moving. Everything is breathing. Everything is alive!

As the mind is slowly released, pensiveness turns to cognitive progression. The woods entreat the brain to quicken its pace. Thoughts immediately focus on religion; that awkward subject which makes people cringe when it is brought up at dinner. From there, thinking predictably shuffles through the political issues of the day: abortion, the “disgraced” senator from Idaho, the ailing press secretary, the bomb threats, the five year old driver, the mortgage crisis, the economic upswing and finally the ongoing threat of terror. It is only then one realizes why he escaped to this respite in the first place.

Despite the negativity of the so called real world, there is much positivism in examining the nagging issues of reality from a place of clarity, a place of a more pure perspective. Here the camp releases prejudices and relieves preconceived ideas about most situations. For instance: wars seem less destructive, a mere triviality of human existence. Normalcy becomes curiosity while the queer turns to trite. This is what the purer forms of nature do: ravage the world of mankind.

In keeping with the themes of release, which commonly occur on day two, it must be said that one will most definitely encounter others while on this adventure. Friends and neighbors will undoubtedly process forth from the woodwork telling stories, making food and enjoying company. Families and loved ones will circle up, pass the wine and crack the legs of the lobster, regaling each other with compliments and legends of those who have passed. “Why did the men have to go first?” is uttered by tipsy tongues, but a very lucid point is made. “I’ve known your family for thirty years!” is shouted across the table. Over and again stories are told, love is passed with the potatoes around the platform of fellowship.

The day passes quickly, more rapidly than the night before, and soon all are still in their beds—save for a quiet conversation between two siblings who have known each other for sixty years. Eventually even their kinship is trumped by heavy eyes and they are drawn to their nests. Now the camp is quiet; the cabin creaks here and there but all are sleeping, gently awaiting the coming of the new day.

Day 3

By now one has grown quite accustomed to his new surroundings. He is almost through reading the novel which was supposed to take him the better part of a week to finish. He has made progress on the book he is writing and he has completed the most challenging crossword puzzle. To say that he has reached the pinnacle of his bodily and mental exfoliation would be accurate, although it does not seem to do the experience justice.

High winds and a slight chill on the air accompany the rower in his kayak on the way to South Beach. He makes excellent time getting there but his trip home takes twice as long due to the heavy gusts. During his nautical adventure he ponders the life waiting for him back at home. He shudders to acknowledge that his vacation will be ending in two days time. Friends and family come to mind, and he thinks of his condo in the city. So many people. So many things. It is tiring to belabor such matters while manning a twelve foot seafaring craft against the wind.

The seafarer wonders if he should tire from his timed strokes. Would the distance prove to be too great? These questions linger amid all other obstacles of life while collectively his ponderousness gone astray distracts him from the task at hand. Mightily he pumps his arms, arches his back and tightens his stomach. He pushes through the brisk wind and waves to finally reach his destination. Surely global warming must be a farce, for he had seen no evidence of an increasingly warmer climate this day! Relieved by his accomplishment he settles down to his daytime reading.

Oh the dinner parties! On the pond, no night is simply ordinary. Every night, however, is complete with a social gathering of friends and loved ones who come together for food and fellowship. Tonight a prayer is offered. God is thanked and praised, though not all hearts are sincere in their actions. It is interesting, though, that humans feel the need to give glory to God when they look upon a great feast.

As the night draws the day to a close, feelings of youthful passion spring up. It is commonplace for the camp to evoke romantic affections and often these emotions are not realized until the limpidness of nature brings them to light. And the intensity of these sensations is augmented with each remaining day. These are the sentiments which give us the strength to embark on the journey home. Otherwise, we might merely transform into a bulwark, remaining in our satiated state eternally.

So these quixotic impulses which are universally regarded to be impractical and unreliable actually bring us back to sensibility. Our compass is recalibrated. Our direction is refreshed. Now there is a special someone waiting for our return. And we can finally picture our return without disdain. Giddiness is a side effect and is only overcome with the diversion of a petty task such as reading or house cleaning. We await the impending days, imagining imminent fondness and our eventual return to the forest accompanied by the one we love.

Day 4

The heart is pricked with the sharpness of anxiety as it realizes that the days here are numbered. Only two full days in utopia remain. Cruelly betrayed by Machiavellian emotions, one is torn by his desire to stay and the urgency to tend to his love afar. What little time is left will prove to be increasingly difficult as this tension will swell.

This day was made for all things outdoors. Paddling the kayak across the lake to view the beaver dams. Ascending the mountaintop to take into account the panoramic vista. Soaking up the summer sun and the healing power it has to offer. Today the water is calm. The wind is tame. The sun is unhindered by objectionable storm clouds. Surely this day was planned with intent; its perfection gleaming from every rock, tree and hill, reflecting on a sea of glass.

Thoughts today return to science. Is the lake water more alkaline or is it acidic? What is the status of the fish population? What kind of algae survives in this habitat, and is it in danger of extinction due to the introduction of an-other species? Will the water always be this pure? Will mankind eventually dirty the water?

For seventy years now the pond has not been affected by the surrounding human population. Many would argue this is precisely because of the care which the Pleasant Ponders have given to this lake for the better part of a century. They have pledged their lives to protecting this mass of water, and their children have learned this value, stepping in line to take over the midnight watch. That is what this place does to a person. It builds values and strengthens character. Fervor for the defenseless reaches its acme and one is empowered to fend off all evils.

The tug-of-war that is global warming sweeps over the intellect. One cannot help but mull over this topic repeatedly. The theories on this matter are tossed about like papers in the desk of second grader. The media chooses a stance and force feeds it down society’s throat, just as a kidnapper would gag his victim. They don’t want anyone to have a say, save for the zombies who are programmed to spit out what is being fed to them by the spoon of the teleprompter. Backless, boneless, seedless and sugar free is what the world is becoming. Encouraged to dope up on the mind numbing drug of conformity, citizens of the planet are choosing captivity over freedom at a disturbing rate.

No side, either for or against the theories which state that the earth is warming, has proven anything remotely conclusive. The environmentalist hacks, just like religious fanatics, expect all people to have faith in their church of fear, based upon a hundred or so years of research. For a planet that they claim to be billions of years old, that does not seem like enough information to draw any type of responsible conclusion. But they know the facts, and if you don’t agree with them, you must be a cold, heartless republican who is responsible for hurricane Katrina.

Scientists who are unafraid to point out the inconclusiveness of the limited research however, are slow in forming more studies themselves. Few care about doing the work. It seems that celebrities and failed politicians find it easy to make movies spewing fear and rhetoric from their religious machine. People might take these characters more seriously if they would unhinge themselves from their plush lifestyles of gulf stream travel and multiple mansions and personally make the needed sacrifice.

Then it is time to calm down. Thoughts turn to time and space and the relation to the infinite vortex of light. Will man eventually catch up with light? Will he exceed the speed of light, catching up with the original flicker? Will he meet God at the end of this tunnel? Only time will tell. For now, the boundless splendors of purest nature will content the heart, as the kayak makes its way back to the dock.

Day 5

Bittersweet. The only conceivable description of the final day. Tomorrow travel resumes and its wear on the body is duly noted. One refuses to get out of bed this morning because he knows that once awake, the time will fly by and in a fleeting moment it will be nightfall. Oh, the dreadfulness of the last day! It will be glorious though, as the celebration will be at its highest.

One last trek into the woods; a last voyage on the waves. The hours fly, and the sun sling shots through the sky. Glorious Maine, in all its splendor, luminous above all of man’s creation, the land basks gently in the rays of the sun. These past days of reflection and refreshment will leave with the traveler. Onward to home and upward in life, one does not forget what is learned here, what is gained. Carefully calculated and calculated carefully, the journeyman will remember this place with great fondness as he is imbibed once more into the vastness of life.

2007-09-06T01:01:00.000-07:00

the account of my travels to maine will be posted shortly.

2007-08-22T02:35:00.000-07:00

insured. assured. whatever. it means nothing.
but i will be debt free, and that's everything?
at least one person will benefit from my life
and he deserves it, lord knows he does.

in other news my sanity slowly returns
quietly i regain my senses, which were lost a day ago
my nerves reached a pinnacle; my mind numbed
and i was shot down off of my horse to the ground

new friends. new places. utter disconnect.
but then that is what this life is about eh?
nothing matches, nothing makes sense, nothing is logical
at least not to our mind's eye, for we were not first

here ends the ridiculousness of this post
but my sentiments remain. i try to answer, to exist
yet my thoughts are cast by the wayside, to the dust
my utter being plunged into the depths of the forgettable

2007-08-21T00:59:00.000-07:00

a starry night spreads vastly across a sea of grass
the glistening sky reflects upon the green slopes
repeating valleys bring the scape together
all of the land waits for a still small voice

2007-08-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

flying hearts, beating against the wind
sail swiftly toward the rising tide of storm clouds
the brief shrieks of thunder flash across the sky
their fiery veins coil and contort to reach afar

this heart never stops. i do not know if it ever will. the arms of togetherness cannot seem to touch me, and their grasping only strengthens my resolve. it has been said to me that if i want it, i will do it--or i will obtain it. i can see that being true; however, i am my biggest obstacle. whether or not i want something has absolutely nothing to do with getting it. this would rely entirely on the fragility of my will. and those who know me also know that i am a bulwark of confidence when it comes to decision making.

shall my unjust love forever hang in the balance? will i remain or will i go? do i stand firmly on the ground, or do i take the inevitable plunge? to these questions and more i do not know the answer. i anxiously await my turbulent future, and perhaps i just might survive the bloody war which is sure to be fought.

the franciscan way

2007-08-03T17:20:00.000-07:00

i have recently come to the conclusion that a celibate life, though possibly a lonely life, is a very productive life! that is, provided one does not become distracted with the "wonders" of the world--to which one could just as easily be married. with a bit of concentration, some creative thinking and a strong will one can achieve that which might officially mark his life as productive. of course production is measured differently by varying peoples and cultures.

i have not under any duress nor despair come to any of these conclusions. sheer logic continues to be a driving force in my life. my decision process is really quite simple: i identify a problem or issue, then i clearly define it and consider all applicable factors, form a specific plan to fully reason the issue and execute that plan. without fail, this process continually leads to a decisive end.

the for mentioned logic of which i spoke is not some ethereal force i have especially discovered; rather, it is that which has always brooded over humanity, ever begging our free use of all that it has to offer--though mankind has not always taken a liking to it. this rejection alone defies the very existence of logic, as betterment and benefit is surely to be gained from such a bedfellow.

emotion, however, takes over and suddenly it seems easier to blow up a bus full of infidels. i am reminded of scene from the story of hannibal lecter. when mason verger, a patient of the cannibalistic doctor, was asked why he willingly tore his own flesh from his face, he responded, "it seemed like a good idea at the time." the deranged doctor had so poisoned his patient's mind with intoxicating distraction that verger was driven to do himself harm simply based on the notion of a temporal good idea. the point of this story is that humans, for reasons known only to god, have historically chosen the self destructive path while being fully aware of the better way.

in the immediate present, the path i am exploring could have some negative effects, but i wonder if the long term results will prove to be extremely beneficial. i will begin the process of placing myself in a more permanent independent position. this house of cards could fall, but at least the attempt alone might yield conclusions which will satisfy my mental wanderlust.

f the news

2007-07-26T01:44:00.000-07:00

i will only say this once: i am so sick and tired of hearing what some "correspondant" has to say... especially when it comes to the war in iraq. that is so yesterday. don't think i'm cold, i am simply a representation of the american people. one day, they will be on one side, the easy side; the next day, they will be on the complete oposite side, due to peer pressure and popular dislike. what a fickle society. i am happy to say i am not a part of such a travesty. they can have their cake, but unfortunately, they will not eat it as the predatory world around them will eat them and their cake.

2007-07-23T02:05:00.000-07:00

why do people have this incredibly audacious idea that the world operates on their time? i grow weary of those who do not respect the time or patience of others, only so that they might not feel the stress of punctuality. now of course, many of you will say, "well jack is always late to the party or hangout" to which i will respond that though indeed many times this is true, it is always quite fashionable, expected and dependable. i at least will show up--with bells on. the offenders of whom i speak take no guilt in cancelling their plans at the last minute. that, in my opinion, is unforgivable.

changing winds

2007-07-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

i know many of you have grown weary of my prose
i know that it can be difficult to be interested
therefore, i am taking a short break from my usual style
and i will write of my life from a different perspective

enjoy. or hate.

first, i will address something about which all of you are curious. and the answer is no. at least, not at this time. it is not the right time (by the way, in case you had not noticed, i have chosen to leave some of my more ambiguous stylings in tact). the point is, do not wonder nor worry, for i have yet to embark on such an adventure... or at least purchase a one way ticket.

that being said, i miss many of you. you know who you are! let me say that you need to return my phone calls because it is rude to ignor your friends and to pretend that you are too busy to talk. we all know that we all screen and we pick and choose with whom we will talk. get over it and pick up the phone people! you know i would do it for you--but not forever if it is one sided.

i will be hosting a housewarming party toward the end of august/early september. rather than send out a massive number of invites, i thought i would gauge interest by asking all who are interested to respond, and then i will extend to you an invitation. i detest pandoring.

2007-07-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

unthinkable. unfavorable.
predictable. impalpable.

untrusting.
selfish.

2007-07-13T01:15:00.001-07:00

this world shall fall
no, not at the fault of global warming
for that is certainly a truth that is false
but at the hand of humanity and his ignorance

this country, new rome, shall be one of the first
one of the first to crumble, but last to fall
we will not have the pleasure of dying first
we will witness the last drop of blood spill

this country is filled with masochists who are hungry
bloodlust running wild, encouraged by ideal liberalism
will surely engulf every last one of us
whether or not we inject the heroin ourselves

be tollerant, we are told, and others will tollerate you
that is until their militant hearts take hold
let your children choose, and they will have peace
let your women choose, and their guilt will wash away

murder god, jesus and the holy spirit
and you will wipe out hunger, war and hate
planes crash and buildings fall
then you will come crawling back to church

this nation deserves what is coming by god's wrath
and i for one am dreading that great and terrible day
most assuredly, i have contributed to our guiltiness
and i shall pay my fair share, but still i fear

no one knows it's coming. no one thinks it's coming.
and nobody would believe it's coming
for our hearts have been poisoned, deadened
we are keen only to our self gratification

the day approaches

2007-07-07T04:30:00.000-07:00

global warming is a religion. it requires a faith in a matter which cannot be scientifically proven. it requires sin and guilt: the realization that you are the cause of the destruction of earth (and therefore mankind). it requires that you spread the gospel to others, persuading them that they must change their ways. finally, it requires salvation: which is you changing every bit about your life that gives you too much comfort, that the earth might be saved.

do you see how ridiculous this is? every day, new SNOWSTORMS are hitting the globe. yes, record heatwaves are hitting the DESERTS of america, but how many global warming marches were cancelled this year due to extreme cold? the answer is many! but you will not hear this from major news networks, because they cannot cope with the fact of being wrong. i tell you, the first to carry the honest truth will win the ratings, as the REAL american people (not the visitors, etc.) will be able to decipher the facts.

2007-07-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

for any ignorant imbecile who even thinks about criticizing bush's pardon of lewis "scooter" libby. this link provides a qualified, "shut your mouth" if i've ever seen one. enough said.

http://www.usdoj.gov/pardon/clintonpardon_grants.htm

2007-06-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

for breakfast, a date with radio shack
some transistors, resistors and a heat sink later
it was time for lunch,
which of course was spent giving music lessons
on to afternoon snack which took me to ace,
the place where i found my sledgehammer and screws
by late afternoon it was time to pound away
two hours later, no niche, no tile and ever decreasing carpet
our home is on the way to becoming a home
some drywall, no carpet, new cabinets, new paint, new floors
will help us get there. meanwhile, we do what we can!
and i did not work out today, due to my john henry fitness program
now it is time for dinner, and a delightful menu at that
oven baked butternut squash with apples and garlic
broccoli half steamed sauteed in olive oil, garlic, red pepper
and sesame seeds;
some fresh warm basmati rice will complete the feast
a rewarding meal for a productive day. the end.

today's news

2007-06-11T14:02:00.000-07:00

on global warming-

what global warming? (see various posts regarding this matter)

on the government-

congress seems to like wasting time. oh, and it is seeming a bit racist.

on the war in iraq-

still fighting (and still winning).

on global terrorism-

why can't al gore help fight this?

on paris hilton-

have courage, you will get through this.

on those who prosecuted paris hilton-

shame on you for over indulging in your power.

on the iphone-

only four gigabytes?

on illegal immigration-

if i have to pay a ticket, so should you!

on putin and his cold war tone-

some one's compensating for something.

on the judicial system-

congratulations on your lawmaking; oh, and thanks for giving us barabas.

on joe lieberman-

why isn't he running for prez?

on all republican candidates for prez except fred thompson and rudi giuliani-

there's no way in hell i'm voting for you. especially not that imbecile mccain.

on hillary clinton-

now you can really get back at bill!

on "the view"-

the show still stinks, but elizabeth is amazing!

on satellite radio-

get an iPod.

on the new scion xb-

well i'm inclined to say wow!

it's about freakin time...

2007-06-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070610/D8PM8O381.html

2007-06-09T19:06:00.000-07:00

fun. friends. fellowship.
and over a wonderful bud of life.
with our thirst quenched and our stomachs heavy,
we close this glorious day! what a feast.

2007-06-06T23:22:00.000-07:00

heaven.
if not for a few moments of bliss.

2007-06-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

so much loneliness in such a crowded world,
it is almost too much to stomach.
i have realized that one cannot continue the way he began,
if he began under a certain duress; for he is now marked.
i suppose this is why settlers sought out the new world,
they could not continue in their former state.
i am emerging not from a cocoon but from forced naivety.
no longer will i pretend a fictional goodness exists around me,
for it has been long since that ship has sailed.
must i presently find a new world of my own?
this ponderance and more beleaguer me incessantly.

some thoughts...

2007-05-31T08:49:00.000-07:00

don't quit now. i've stood behind you all this way, all the times that you have been beaten brutally. you have suffered through so much, do not fall here, it would be a waste. they hate you now, but you are right, and history will forgive you. i am sorry that humanity is too ignorant to see that, but they once reacted the same way to another great man...

...

ignoring me will not erase me. i am still here. i am waiting. and if i have changed so much, then why am i in such a state? there were many things said, some were good, some were bad, some were right. you tried to plant roots extremely fast and it pushed the soil right out of the pot. you do not seem to see that, but that is exactly how it happened. you cannot expect such forcefulness to be reciprocated with love and care. it was way too soon, too much at once, i voiced this over and over and over and over again. i spoke to deaf ears.

...

why do the terrorists attack public buildings and government landmarks? since it is the "culture of america" that they hate, should they not be attacking the chariot masters who are the driving force behind our culture? why do they not attack movie lots in hollywood? why do they not attack news corporations? why do they not attack the real "devil" behind our bad deeds--the media. are they so stupid that they cannot see this? oh wait, yes they are, because they have no regard for human life. i just wish that for once when people say things (like the terrorists explaining their reasoning for wanting to kill us) that they would be truthful. the terrorists, however, are just like our media--saying one thing, meaning another, and generally unsatisfied with life, so we the common folk must change for them to feel better.

veg on this!

2007-05-30T17:01:00.002-07:00

i never noticed before how much of a meat driven society in which we live. chicken with this, beef with that, pork, liver, steak, lamb and the list goes on and on. as if there were not enough meat from which to choose. personally, i do not have a problem with anyone who eats meat, or even the act of carnivorous consumption; rather, it is the idea that i am different because i choose to abstain from eating of the flesh. it has been so long now that i cannot imagine how to stomach even the smallest portion of meat. i am so turned off by the idea alone.

so feeling like an outsider is not my cup of tea (only masochists enjoy such pleasures). did our world really decide in the infamous garden to throw in the towel and give up on greens? why must we all follow the "standard" so blindly? people tell me that they cannot live without meat, yet they ridicule the obese man nearby who believes he cannot live without sweets. my friends-turned-health-experts tell me that i cannot get the nutrients that my body needs solely from the ground. "you can't get protein," they tell me as my biceps are three times larger than theirs. "where do you get your calcium?" -a somewhat more valid point because cows produce calcium right?- wrong! cows get it from the same place that i do, from the ground.

the carnivorous bunch, as it were, cannot argue against my health, however, due to the fact that i am generally very healthy and in most cases healthier than they. additionally, i cannot lie about the fact that i have virtually no body fat and my heart is in the best shape it has ever been. i complete a cardiovascular exercise once daily and i am never chronically tired. now if only i drank nil alcohol and more water. perhaps i might have trained for the olympics! the point is that i can do virtually anything i want to do physically because of nurturing my body the way that i have.

above all people must understand that i do what i do because i want to do it. i am not sensitive to animals rights, although i think we should be good stewards of what is given us. however, are we being the best stewards using the cows for food? or would we not benefit more from sacrificing them for energy purposes? i must also address a certain notion here. for those of you who think you do not eat that much meat, let me ask you to inquire about all of the sauces you get with your food when dining out. also, be sure to ask what your food is cooked in. i know of several nicer restaurants that actually dunk their veggies in chicken broth before placing them in a stir fry sauce made primarily from beef, chicken or shrimp stock.

translation=meat in america is first ingredient to most foods.

that being said, there is more truth to theories about too much meat causing greater risks of colon cancers than there is to the myths of global warming. red meats make brown dark spots in the colon, and those brown dark spots are prone to cancer. never has a study concluded that any green vegetable caused any defect that could lead to a life threatening disease. so simply based upon the "gamble" mentality, one could assume that the safer option would be to exclude meat altogether from the diet, as it presents risks whereas the greens do not.

i do not preach my beliefs on this matter to anyone. i do however voice my frustration when it is not enough for me to simply keep my mouth shut; i must also change my ways because they themselves are offensive! poppycock i tell you, and i will not change my ways. what kind of a crazy world we live in where someone is more interested in my diet than my belief in christ? i tell you i am not.

ok, there is my veggie rant for the spring/summer. perhaps i'll drink blood by next fall, but it is unlikely...

2007-05-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

so someone as smart as rosie should be able to figure out that conspiracy theories and myths of grandeur are simply bunk. she cannot, though. she is too hung up on her hate for a man who will soon leave office, and she will soon discover that life is not as simple as she thought, and the war that she hates will carry on--even if it is under a different flag. throw a democrat in there, she says, and all the world's problems will vanish! unfortunately democrats have a major flaw: they are human beings. they will fail, they will fall, and humanity will always disappoint. to obtain true fulfillment, one must have faith in something or someone much greater. but everyone is so busy trashing the fictitious creator and spurning his precepts that will always be blind to his goodness. how is it that i have made a serious error in a life decision but i can still see what is right, but others are so clueless as to their own self destruction? wake up america, half of humanity hates you, and it is not because of this recent war in iraq. yes, we could pacify as rosie and others would like us to, and our enemies will come over here and kill us because of people like rosie, and their alternative lifestyles. yes, rosie, we are protecting you and others like you, because this world has no tolerance for you! but you choose to hate us. your only saving grace. this is sad.

2007-05-26T09:15:00.001-07:00

ironically, certain college professors that i know of are some of the most childish, irreverent, immature and irrelevant people i have come across. this, not stemming from their social interaction, but from their social disruption. they are paid to impart their knowledge upon their pupils, but they prefer to instill their rhetoric and their sentimentalism in the students who are forced to be the audience. these "master teachers" have an undeserved pulpit, and the vomit they are spewing is disgusting me.

2007-05-20T17:35:00.000-07:00

consume less and live more?
ok then, i'll refrain from spending money on your movie(s).
fly your jets 'round the world to denounce wasteful americans.
then expect us to listen to what you are squawking about.
your logic is dim at best, and your message is lost in translation.

2007-05-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

i want love. just a different kind. i want friendship.
i need to love a friend, and i need a friend to love me.
souls meet, hearts beat, and then nothing, space and time cease.
and then the bitter cold sets in. how i wish i had a jacket.

2007-05-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

every time i round a bend or reach a mountain top
i seem to stumble and fall,
tumbling further from where i began
i am tired of failing, of falling, i am through

there is no simple solution in a box; no salvation
only more hurt, discontentment, and anquish
i despise the pessimist in me, but there it is
now a bottle of sedation sits before me, numbing me

oh how i long for the days of my childhood
wandring aimlessly in life, pondering the adventurous
i was stupid then, but i was most happy and joyful
i buried those days in my backyard with my piggybank...

traveling

2007-05-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

i turn a corner, i climb the stairs,
my journey brings me to great heights;
while ascending into the realm of possibility,
energy infuses my actions.

purpose takes on new meaning,
light looks very different now.

motivation, then,
is drawn from my hope in a not too distant utopia.
worlds meet, hearts collide,
and all is quiet on this battlefield.

a thought, an idea,
of what one would become must change, evolve;
transformed into fresh clay,
taking on the likeness of the potter.

this, the quintessence of life itself,
the purest form of a miracle.

achievement is found
not in the acquisition of wealth or power;
but there is fulfillment
in progressing further along a path.

alec is at it again...

2007-04-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

http://www.tmz.com/2007/04/19/alec-baldwins-threatening-message-to-daughter/

well, if you have not heard, our fav actor-turned-politician has added yet another occupation to his hefty list of credentials: parenting to the max. this of course is not the first entry in this blog regarding mr. baldwin, for his actions have caused him to be the topic of conversation here several times. alec is an ass. plain and simple. i especially love this little tidbit:

UPDATE: Alec Baldwin's spokesperson released the following statement to the TV show "EXTRA": "In the best interest of the child, Alec will do what the mother is pathologically incapable of doing ... keeping his mouth shut and obeying the court order. The mother and her lawyer leaked this sealed material in violation of a court order. Although Alec acknowledges that he should have used different language in parenting his child, everyone who knows him privately knows what he has been put through for the past six years."

so alec is sorry that his wife leaked the tape; he is not sorry about what he said. parents are supposed to protect their children, not cause them to fear. alec always has come across as that shady guy who beats his kids, and his most recent actions only validate those perceptions. the only redeeming thing about all of this is that his credibility as a human being has been flushed down the toilet, making even more of an ass out of him. cheers alec! perhaps dr. phil can cure you of your anger disorder. you are a sad, sad little man.

2007-04-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

the winds of change and chance are once again upon me.
i raised my sails only to catch the strong and immediate current.
now, hundreds of miles from where i set off,
i am humbly approaching unfamiliar territory.
with great caution and angst i draw near to new ground.
though i fear no evil, as i have felt its bashing curse before.
as the tide rises, so does the anxiety within, expectedly.
but the anchor to my soul holds fast, though some will not see it.

2007-04-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

you have changed.
what you meant to me has shifted.
in fact, you are gone, and i don't expect you to return.
but now you have arrived, and swept me up.
you have captured my attention, which is hard for anyone to do.
and all i think about now is how i want to give to you.
to share with you. to help you. to hold you.
i have come to expect the unexpected, but this time it does not hurt.
how much life can change in a simple string of (extra) ordinary days.

2007-04-18T14:22:00.000-07:00

i hate the hate crimes bill. so there.

2007-04-16T15:56:00.000-07:00

time is passing by so quickly, and i fear that i will not reach my goals. what i do know is that i will try, anyway, to accomplish the things which are important to me--regardless of whether or not these things are practical; after all, practicality was never my cup of tea. in two days, i have completed several tasks which were formerly before me: i cooked broccoli in a sesame seed, olive oil, garlic and red chili flake saute, only half steaming nature's protein laced green. additionally, i prepared a chili recipe, which was constructed by my sister in law--i even prepared it the way she did, venturing away from the original directions a bit, because i liked it so much when we visited in january. besides cooking, i cleaned a bit, took out the trash, decided to keep our new chairs, played the piano, and completed my first modeling shoot. it has been an eventful twenty-four hours. here's to the next...

2007-04-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

it has truly been a whirlwind of a week
margaritas, manicures, martinis, and a moscow mule
my life has been turned upside down
i was surfing on the most outrageous wave
when the undertow sucked me into disarray
out of my mind, out of my body, back together again

the coming days will produce even more confusion, delusion
yet clarity is slowly seeping into mind's abyss
tears, laughter, joy, sorrow, love and heartache are in store
if only i could rope the wind, rob a bank, and reach the stars
all at the same time so that i might feel in control
but for now, the current will continue to push and pull me about

2007-04-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

i am definitely taking the road less traveled. say what you will, i do things in my own unique way and i do not see that changing any time soon. this presents me with several obvious problems. first, the routes i have chosen on this journey will limit the places i am able to go. because of these limitations, the company i keep will also change--this is the predicament which bothers me the most. finally, my actions in these next key moves will determine permanently the attitude with which people will perceive me. am i ready for a change? this change? i cannot answer that question. and i have been advised not to share my answer with anyone, once i arrive at a decision. but that i would simply act accordingly will be sufficient. new times. new days ahead. new people. old people. young people. what will it be...

2007-04-07T02:07:00.000-07:00

humanity of late has proven to be a society of half truths and utter deception. people say they are going to do one thing, yet they do another. i am guilty of this. for months now i have expressed my distaste for those who alter the truth and for those who make up excuses for their irresponsibility in keeping appointments, fellowshipping with friends and fulfilling voluntary committal engagements. it was this night that i realized that i am far from perfect and hat if i am not careful i will end up just the same as the people who have offended before me. i will make it a point to not turn out like flaky people i know. i will .

2007-04-07T01:57:00.000-07:00

i enter. i pause. i see you sitting there.
with your eyes focused intently upon your subjects.
i pass by. i attend to other business. you notice. i glance.
for a moment we understand each other. we empathize.

my place is set. i must return. your company awaits.
i too have company, yet this night feels like a solo flight.
with wings i fly high into the realm of what might have been.
you are not there, however, as our paths crossed only for a moment.